Laying my brother at His feet

My brother Chad... 

My entire life I have always felt a sense of responsibility for my younger siblings.  Growing up I was constantly making choices to try and protect them.  I think being the first born that it was just a part of my DNA to feel like it was my job to be the adult in their lives especially when there wasn't anyone looking out for them.  My heart was so focused on taking care of them.  I never felt like I fully achieved what I wanted.  Perhaps that was because I was a child too and it really wasn't suppose to be my job to parent my siblings.  However that urge and desire never left me.  I have lived my life feeling a huge amount of weight on my shoulders for Heather and Chad.  Which didn't even change on March 20,2005.
You see on March 19th I got a phone call from my brother Chad.  He wanted to come down and visit me.  It was late at night and I was already asleep.  I told Chad to call me the next morning and we would get together.  Unfortunately that never came to be.  I was awakened to the ringing of the phone at 8:30AM the morning of March 20th.  It was my grandma on the other line.  She was sobbing, something was wrong but I couldn't make out what it was that she was saying.  Someone had been hurt, they had found someone in the family.  The cops, gun, suicide, dead, not breathing, Chad all these words swirling around in my head.  In my morning fog of just waking up nothing was clear to me.  Then all of a sudden she said the detective was going to drive her to Franklin to get me.  Those words all the sudden found some sort of order in my head.  She was talking about my brother.  He was dead. I collapsed on the floor my the couch.  Screaming NO,NO,NO!!!
For a long time after getting that news I struggled tremendously to try and make sense of a senseless death.  Did he sound depressed on the phone?  Did I miss something in his voice?  Would things have been different if I had seen him that night?  Somewhere along the way I decided that I was the one to blame for the night that my brother died.  I was the one who was selfishly sleeping while he was sitting in Hampton's Market parking lot with a gun pointed at his head. I was the one who wasn't there for him in his darkest time.  I started struggling with images of that night.  I would picture what he looked like sitting in his truck.  What was he thinking.  What were the sounds, smells, and sights of that night.  I had horribly vivid images of my brothers last minutes.  Let me tell you if you don't have anything to gauge it by your imagination has no limits. Over and over the torments of these visions played in my mind.  There were days were I couldn't even bring myself to function because of all the craziness going on in my head.  I ended up taking all the blame, all the punishment, all the pain of his death on myself.  I somewhere decided that from that moment of his last breath until mine I wouldn't let myself heal from losing my brother. 
Last weekend I went on a God Seekers retreat.  I had been asking God to give me a vision, just a snipet of what the weekend was going to look like for me.  Each time I asked I saw the same thing me laying on the floor.  I didn't really know what specifically God was going to do for me that weekend but I knew that when I was on the floor that was when He was doing His greatest work in me.  I knew from previous retreats that being on the floor in the presence of God was a deeply emotional cleansing time for me.  I knew that this weekend would be no different.  God was going to do some healing of my past. I just didn't know what He was going after.
Friday night it became very clear to me that I was going to be dealing with Chad's suicide.  The lady that gave her testimony on Friday night talked about the suicide of her sister.  I sat there with that lump of emotions stuck in my throat fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.  All the time I was thinking God this was NOT what I was wanting to face this weekend.  Can't I keep my brother for a little longer?  That was not His plan even though I tried to make it His. 
I went to the speaker and had her pray for me.  God had showed me a while back while I was at a Survivors of Suicide meeting with another friend who lost her mom that I hadn't fully dealt with Chad's death as a suicide.  I had skimmed over it and grieved only that which I would allow myself to do but I didn't allow complete healing to come by facing the fact that my brother chose to walk out on me.  He made the choice to pull the trigger.  I had to face the truth about his death so that I could find peace.  That night I laid on the floor and debated with Jesus about my brother.  Jesus just wanted me to give my brother over to Him but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  See everytime I closed my eyes I saw myself with my arms stretched out before me and Chad's lifeless bloody body was laying across my arms.  I was carrying him with me everywhere I went.  I couldn't let him go.  If I let him go then what would happen.  Would that mean that I couldn't be to blame for his death?  This was the hardest struggle.  I have no clue how long I laid there but I know that it was a long time.  I still wasn't ready to let Jesus have my baby brother. I was still trying to protect him and save him even in death. 
My spiritual mom was on this retreat with me.  As I lay there on the floor she came over to check on me.  I told her what God was wanting me to do and told her that I wasn't ready.  I told her that I knew it was what I was suppose to do but that I couldn't bring myself to do it.  After a little bit I found myself with her in my room once again struggling to place the limp body of my brother in Jesus's arms. All I could focus on was the pain that I saw in Chad's stiff face, that pain that he died with deep inside of him.  I noticed now that Jesus was standing facing me with His arms outstretched waiting to take my brother into His loving arms.  I tried to wade through the emotions that were enveloping me until I finally placed Chad into the arms of Jesus.  I was sobbing in Patty's hug as I gave my brother over.  It was the most gut wrenching pain I have ever felt.
Well I thought that would be the end of it however that is not how my God works.  His Word says that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion.  As painful as this was I knew in my spirit that this was a good thing that God was doing in me.  I needed it to be brought to completion. I needed there to be a total release and healing inside of me.  That was God's plan for me as well.

Chad at Halloween

Saturday morning I saw another vision.  This time my brother was laying on the ground, still lifeless and bloody.  Just like I had placed him in Jesus' arms.  The difference this time was that Jesus was leaning over my brother.  Jesus was stroking the side of Chad's face.  I could see the tears falling from Jesus' eyes.  He was mourning for the loss of my brother. As much as my brother meant to me he means more to Jesus.  I saw that it grieved Jesus' heart that my brother was in so much pain that he saw no other way out.  I started to feel more at peace with this process but I wasn't completely there yet.
Saturday night I saw my brother once again.  This time he was up and moving.  His clothes had been changed.  He was no longer the picture of death and suicide that I had burnt into my memory.  He was my baby brother.  Jesus was with Chad again. This time they were talking and just spending time together.  I looked around at where they were and I recognized the place.  It was my secret place with Jesus.  There was my field and there was the tree that Jesus and I climb.  Funny thing is I found myself getting irritated that my brother was in my secret getaway with Jesus.  Part of me just had to laugh why would I think that Chad would be anywhere else.  He was always in my stuff while alive so why would I expect anything different.  I was able to think about some of those times where he was just my annoying little brother.  What a brat he could be! I love that little brother of mine! Suddenly Jesus tapped on Chad's shoulder and pointed him to look in my direction.  Chad saw me and started walking over to me.  When he reached me he flashed me that crooked smile of his.  I was so happy to see him again.  Chad then spoke to me.  He told me, I love you Holly.  I am safe with Jesus.  You don't have to worry about me anymore.  I didn't die because of something you did. You didn't pull the trigger.  Please stop taking on stuff that isn't yours.  I love you so much and I will see you soon.  At that he turned and walked away from me into the brightest white light I have ever seen.  I stood there watching my brother until I could see him no more.

Out of Darkness Walk 2010

 I truly believe that I have been set free from the guilt of Chad's death.  I have placed him into Jesus' arms where he is at rest.  A few days after getting home from retreat I had another vision.  In this one Chad was sitting in his truck.  I realized very quickly that this was the night that my brother lost his life.  I had spent so many hours recreating this event in my mind.  However this time I noticed something that I never saw before.  Sitting in the passenger seat right next to Chad was Jesus.  He was looking at him with such love and compassion.  I may never know the exact events of that night however I do know one thing and that is all that matters.  Jesus was with my brother that night.  Jesus was there through the whole thing.  What a precious thought to know that even at my brothers lowest he wasn't alone....