Surviving The Survival Race

​I sat and stared at my computer screen for the longest time that day in January.  I was trying to understand what had just caused me to do that which I had just done.  Did I really just sign myself up for an OCR 5K? What in the world was I thinking?  Somehow after my friend, Sheena asked me if I wanted to do The Survival Race with her I seemed to have lost all my common sense and agreed to run this race with her. I knew for certain that I was going to die in Ohio that weekend in March. I cringed as I reached for my cell phone to confirm with my best friend that she knew what to do with my life insurance money after that weekend.  

​That may seem quite dramatic to you but seriously I felt like I had just signed myself up to fail.  I am not a runner by any definition of the word.  Only recently had I began to take the steps necessary to start living a healthier lifestyle and that did not include the words run.  The only experience that I had with any 5k was two years ago when I walked a race with a group of friends.  By walked I really mean strolled as we laughed and posed for pictures the entire 3.14 miles.  Besides the whole running part there was the whole challenge of the obstacles.  I sat and searched the internet for pictures/videos of any past Survival Races I could find trying to decide if I could get all 250 lbs of me through each obstacle.  Pretty certain I’d fail most of the obstacles and end up with my face in the mud.  Ah the mud! Now that was the part I was looking forward to the most.  Growing up in the country I love me some mud and it had been a while since I got to play in mud.  That I decided was going to be the part I would focus on I was going to get covered in mud!! WHOOP WHOOP!!

​Finally that first weekend in March had arrived.  I had everything packed up and ready for the trip.  I had no clue what to wear for the race so I packed every workout outfit I owned praying I’d figure out what to wear by the next morning.  My nerves were shot from the stress and excitement of running my first OCR that next morning but I was determined if I was going to go down I was going to go down fighting.  If there was one thing that I was completely certain about it was the fact that I was a fighter, a warrior and I wouldn’t go down without a fight.  Ironic how I went from certain I was going to die and scared to death to feeling a sense of determination to give it my all in just a few months.  I still thought failure was going to be the end result but I had decided to dig in deep and go in swinging.  The conversation on the drive over with my good friend, Sheena Speaks, just cemented that drive in me even more.  As we checked in the hotel that night for the first time excitement and determination was stronger in me than fear and failure.  I feel asleep with a smile on my face knowing that next day I was going to come out on top.

​BUZZZZZ BUZZZZZ went my alarm and with the ringing of the alarm all those fears and doubts came racing back to the surface.  I was crazy to think that I could do this and I was crazy to believe that I was going to survive it.  All that negative self-talk had once again taken over in my head.  As I brushed my teeth I wondered how long it would take me to hitchhike back to Indianapolis.  How long would it take before she realized I had skipped out?  However the sound of her yelling something down to me from upstairs quickly brought me back to reality.  I dressed after getting her opinion on what to wear.  I decided that I was going to take with me on the course every person who has been influential in my life for the positive.  So I wore a t-shirt that represented a group of friends who have walked with me and helped me grow as we work together on a low ropes course.  It was in those friends that I first understood the power the people you surround yourself with have on your life.  I wore my ring that spiritual mom had given me on my birthday.  This ring represents my faith and every valley and mountain that I have traveled over the years.  As I wrapped my pink bandana around my head I thought about my dear friend who was fighting breast cancer so bravely and I knew if she could walk through that valley in her life I could conquer this course.  I would finish and it would be a victory for her and me both.  I had to write the name of the gym where I had been pushed and encouraged over the last 7 months on my hand.  I needed my trainer’s voice of encouragement and the push of her words to keep me going.  Finally I threw on my Alabama Crimson Tide hoodie because I was determined to come out a champion just like my boys ofBama. I had once again found the warrior inside of me.  

​As I ran past the start line and got my high five from Arnold Swarzenegger the excitement inside me was overflowing.  Running out the tent and around to the first ramp I felt invigorated maybe I could do this but by the middle of the third ramp I was huffing and puffing and failure was once again on my lips.  I slowed down and saw that Sheena had slowed down with me.  She had introduced me to Mark and Tracy Owens and Julia Rohs of the CornFed Spartan team  before the race and they had all stopped when they realized I had stopped.  I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff as I looked at the ground feeling like I was dragging everyone down with me.  As I walked up the next three ramps I soon was introduced to what CornFed was all about.  Mark told me since this was my first race that I was going to be the one setting the pace.  All four vowed that I would finish this race even if they had to drag me across the finish line.  

​As the race continued I felt those negative thoughts fall off me once again.  Tires done! Well that was easy…. Oh my, what is this big tube?  I’m supposed to jump over that?  Okay so I take a running start and slam into the tube.  FAIL! My head screams I back up and try again up and over I go.  Smiling I walk to the next obstacle with each obstacle I conquer I feel myself growing stronger.  Oh look here’s the wall, as I look up at this massive wall in front of me I am certain I will not be capable of pulling myself up and over this thing.  Of course there is a wait too so that I have plenty of time to talk myself back into failure.  Suddenly it’s my turn to go up and over but then I remembered I was surrounded by a supportive team so I reached up and grabbed the wood pulling myself up each rung.  Before I knew it I was up and over and coming back down the other side.  I was actually going to survive this I thought to myself.  With each obstacle these people who I had just meet were always reaching out a hand or word of encouragement to get me through the next obstacle.  Who were these people?  Why was I just now meeting them?  I watched as they helped another lady over a tube and it was then that I knew I wanted to do another OCR with this team.  

​Walking across that finish line was like something out of a movie for me.  It was a physical journey but even more it was an emotional journey.  It was a journey of realizing that I have a lot of beliefs about myself that are holding me back and keeping me from so many things.  It was a journey of learning that fear can be conquered.  It was a journey to awaken that warrior that is deep inside of me who is looking forward to her next OCR race.

Say what?!? That's my fear?

It's weird when you live your life according to a certain belief only to realize that in reality even you were blinded to what the real belief was. This morning a realization hit me as I was driving home from work. It was like all the sudden the curtain was drawn and I could see into the deep hidden places inside of me. 

So let me try and unpack this for you for a minute. You see tonight I am driving with a friend to Columbus Ohio where tomorrow I will race in my first obstacle course 5k. Back in the middle of January when I signed up for this adventure there was some fear but now that I'm at the day before the race it's almost become a terror. For the past week and a half I have been certain that my fear was failure. Anyone that I talked to about the race I told them things like "I'm not going to be able to do it", "what if I fail?", or "I'm certain I'm going to die in Ohio." All valid comments and concerns if I was struggling with fear of failure yet it isn't failure I fear it's success. Yep I'm not afraid to fail because I know that somewhere inside of me is a beast who will conquer whatever I face. Yet somehow that beast inside me gets overrode so many times by the coward inside of me that dreads success. How exactly can can fear of success be masqueraded as fear of failure? How can I be so determined that nothing life or anyone throws at me will destroy me when I'm trying to destroy myself? It seems like such a paradox but that exactly how I've lived my life determined that no one or nothing was going to hold me back except myself. 

Funny that all this came from a comment that a good friend of mine said yesterday when we were discussing how the online dating was going for me. A few years ago I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities and attributes that I wanted in any future man that I might date. Since then those have been my guideline as far as dating goes. Yesterday while my close friend, Rachel, and I were talking about how no one that showed interest in dating me came even close to meeting my list. As we talked she turned to me and said, "so you want to be in a relationship but at the same time you keep yourself in a place where that's not going to happen." Yep exactly I said thinking it was my fear of failure that was keeping me from dating. Yet this morning I realized that part of my life is also being dictated by my fear of success. You see I didn't just make a list of things that I'd like in a man I made a list of unattainable qualifications that set me up to never have that relationship I desperately desire. Once again showing me how my fear of failure in dating and ending up being the "crazy cat lady" is really ultimately about fearing being successful in a relationship. 

As I start to pray through this newest revelation and seek God on how to heal this area of my life I know that there is more to this fear of success. I know that it touches areas of my life that I haven't even realized yet. I'm certain that my fear of success is attached to at least one of my core beliefs about myself and that it's in the healing of those beliefs that my freedom from keeping myself in failure mode will break. I know that this is going to be a journey and that it's not going to be easy or pretty. I don't know what this road is going to look like or what might be around the corner. There is one thing I do know though and that is tomorrow instead of being determined to fail I'm going to allow the beast inside of me to thrive! It's time to break free from the chains and beliefs that have been holding me back for so many years. 

Defining Success

As I hit the post button on my last blog post I had many expectations and ideas of what would follow. I was pumped to dig in and slay this giant I'd been dragging with me throughout the years. Yet even with all the determination I felt there were fears that came with it. First there was the vulnerability fear. What would people think when they read this post? Is being this vulnerable and open brave or just plain idiotic? What if I put this out there and no one responded at all? Then there was the fear of putting something I still am struggling with out there for all to see. I can talk about my past: my drug addiction, my alcoholism, my cutting because all of these things may have been a part of me at one time but today they are in my past. However was I going to be capable of sharing the highs and lows of this journey with the world? Was I going to be able to write about the days I failed along with the days I succeeded? I decided that if I was going to put this journey on "paper" for all to read I'd have no other choice but to be completely open to sharing from my heart the good and bad. I hit post and with that one click I invited the world on this journey into the unknown of learning to love me. 

Little did I know that the very next night I would find myself in a situation that would test just how willing I was to be real with you all throughout this process. You see I had all kinds of ideas in my head about how the battle was going to be won. I thought I knew exactly how things were going to go down. I thought I knew the feelings and emotions that I would have to face. I thought I knew the wounds that I needed cleaned out and bandages up so that healing could occur. What I didn't know was that very next night I would find myself bent over my toilet with my fingers jammed down my throat trying to expel my latest binge. I didn't expect that an old behavior would so quickly make an appearance. How had I found myself here again? With that one act I decided I couldn't possibly share this with everyone. What was I thinking when I made that decision? It's kinda comical how God works when my backs up against the wall He swoops in with His saving grace. 

Within minutes of me leaving the bathroom to lay on my bed to analyze this whole thing I got a text from a very close friend which made my jaw drop. "I just binged horribly and now I want to force myself to vomit." I reread that text message over and over again trying to process what she had just said to me and how I was going to respond to her. In the end I responded with the truth about what I had just done and as hard as that was it ended up being the greatest thing I could have done. Through our conversation following we talked about what was really going on in our lives at the moment. We were able to be vulnerable within the mess. See I knew this journey would get messy I just didn't know that the mess would be that messy. This morning I saw Lecrae posted a quote on Facebook that stated if you refuse to endure struggle you refuse to embrace progress. WOW!! It's through the struggles like I found myself in that night that the progress is going to come. It was through that night that I allowed someone else into the depths of all the junk I've been trying to face alone or technically bury alone. My question is if you're wanting to see progress in an area of your life are you willing to endure the vulnerability it takes to be real with someone in your life? Who is that person that you can be real with? For me that night it took my friend sending the first text message for me to be willing to share where I really was that night. Who are you being vulnerable with? Perhaps someone in your life needs you to open up first so that they have the courage to share their struggles. I don't know if I would have worked through that night and have gotten to the place where I can post about that night if it hadn't been for her text first. Will you go first for someone today? 

Battle Lines

Eureka! Last night the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I had drawn my battle lines but I had drawn them in the wrong spot. Have you ever decided to tackle a behavior or belief only to realize that it's attached to something much deeper? That's exactly what I realized last night, I had declared battle against Taco Bell yet tacos weren't the real issue. When I got clean I learned that I would actually pick up my drug of choice long before I actually went and scored it.  It all started in my mind and if I allowed myself to dwell on it and invested my thoughts into it I was bound to give into those thoughts. So the real question isn't how do I keep myself out of the Taco Bell drive thru or not devour that entire gallon of ice cream in one setting but the real dilemma is inside my head.  

If I was completely honest with you all I would tell you that inside my head is a constant barrage of insults and names that I sling at myself day in and day out. But not many people are privy to the secret conversations in the darkness of my head until today. Today I shall attempt to shine a light on the destructive thoughts that I live with daily. 

Somedays I wonder how many times I can hurl the words, "You're worthless!" At myself. Believe me when I say it's a lot. That's something that I grew up believing that I was worthless because I wasn't able to be everything that everyone wanted me to be yet today I continue to speak those words over myself.  Kinda hard to make good healthy choices when you believe you're worthless. 

Another favorite "game" of mine is that grand comparison game. You know the one where I compare myself to every women that walks by me. Of course I can find something better in every woman that I see. Or here's another big one that I tell myself on a daily basis, "You're never going to get married. No one wants you! Look at you!" I vividly remember my grandmother speaking those words over me when I was in 8th grade. Didn't take long for me to soak those up and add them to my arsenal. Today with me being almost 34 and still single this is my favorite voice of destruction. I mean obviously my grandmother was right all those years ago or I wouldn't still be single. So therefore if it's just going to be me and my cat forever then who cares how many donuts I eat?!? 

Yep that's just a sampling of the thoughts that rush through my head. As I sit here and write these out I think there is no way would I speak to anyone the same way I speak to myself. So why am I okay with talking to myself like this? How do I start to change this? How do I change something that has become second nature to me like breathing? 

Well first I acknowledge there is an issue. Check! So now that I know this is an issue what's next?! How do I start to change my inner dialogue to reflect the things that the Holy Spirit is talking to me about? How do you go from believing your worthless to believing you truly do have worth? I don't know the answer to these questions but I'm determined to learn the answers.