Battle Lines

Eureka! Last night the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I had drawn my battle lines but I had drawn them in the wrong spot. Have you ever decided to tackle a behavior or belief only to realize that it's attached to something much deeper? That's exactly what I realized last night, I had declared battle against Taco Bell yet tacos weren't the real issue. When I got clean I learned that I would actually pick up my drug of choice long before I actually went and scored it.  It all started in my mind and if I allowed myself to dwell on it and invested my thoughts into it I was bound to give into those thoughts. So the real question isn't how do I keep myself out of the Taco Bell drive thru or not devour that entire gallon of ice cream in one setting but the real dilemma is inside my head.  

If I was completely honest with you all I would tell you that inside my head is a constant barrage of insults and names that I sling at myself day in and day out. But not many people are privy to the secret conversations in the darkness of my head until today. Today I shall attempt to shine a light on the destructive thoughts that I live with daily. 

Somedays I wonder how many times I can hurl the words, "You're worthless!" At myself. Believe me when I say it's a lot. That's something that I grew up believing that I was worthless because I wasn't able to be everything that everyone wanted me to be yet today I continue to speak those words over myself.  Kinda hard to make good healthy choices when you believe you're worthless. 

Another favorite "game" of mine is that grand comparison game. You know the one where I compare myself to every women that walks by me. Of course I can find something better in every woman that I see. Or here's another big one that I tell myself on a daily basis, "You're never going to get married. No one wants you! Look at you!" I vividly remember my grandmother speaking those words over me when I was in 8th grade. Didn't take long for me to soak those up and add them to my arsenal. Today with me being almost 34 and still single this is my favorite voice of destruction. I mean obviously my grandmother was right all those years ago or I wouldn't still be single. So therefore if it's just going to be me and my cat forever then who cares how many donuts I eat?!? 

Yep that's just a sampling of the thoughts that rush through my head. As I sit here and write these out I think there is no way would I speak to anyone the same way I speak to myself. So why am I okay with talking to myself like this? How do I start to change this? How do I change something that has become second nature to me like breathing? 

Well first I acknowledge there is an issue. Check! So now that I know this is an issue what's next?! How do I start to change my inner dialogue to reflect the things that the Holy Spirit is talking to me about? How do you go from believing your worthless to believing you truly do have worth? I don't know the answer to these questions but I'm determined to learn the answers.