Say what?!? That's my fear?

It's weird when you live your life according to a certain belief only to realize that in reality even you were blinded to what the real belief was. This morning a realization hit me as I was driving home from work. It was like all the sudden the curtain was drawn and I could see into the deep hidden places inside of me. 

So let me try and unpack this for you for a minute. You see tonight I am driving with a friend to Columbus Ohio where tomorrow I will race in my first obstacle course 5k. Back in the middle of January when I signed up for this adventure there was some fear but now that I'm at the day before the race it's almost become a terror. For the past week and a half I have been certain that my fear was failure. Anyone that I talked to about the race I told them things like "I'm not going to be able to do it", "what if I fail?", or "I'm certain I'm going to die in Ohio." All valid comments and concerns if I was struggling with fear of failure yet it isn't failure I fear it's success. Yep I'm not afraid to fail because I know that somewhere inside of me is a beast who will conquer whatever I face. Yet somehow that beast inside me gets overrode so many times by the coward inside of me that dreads success. How exactly can can fear of success be masqueraded as fear of failure? How can I be so determined that nothing life or anyone throws at me will destroy me when I'm trying to destroy myself? It seems like such a paradox but that exactly how I've lived my life determined that no one or nothing was going to hold me back except myself. 

Funny that all this came from a comment that a good friend of mine said yesterday when we were discussing how the online dating was going for me. A few years ago I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities and attributes that I wanted in any future man that I might date. Since then those have been my guideline as far as dating goes. Yesterday while my close friend, Rachel, and I were talking about how no one that showed interest in dating me came even close to meeting my list. As we talked she turned to me and said, "so you want to be in a relationship but at the same time you keep yourself in a place where that's not going to happen." Yep exactly I said thinking it was my fear of failure that was keeping me from dating. Yet this morning I realized that part of my life is also being dictated by my fear of success. You see I didn't just make a list of things that I'd like in a man I made a list of unattainable qualifications that set me up to never have that relationship I desperately desire. Once again showing me how my fear of failure in dating and ending up being the "crazy cat lady" is really ultimately about fearing being successful in a relationship. 

As I start to pray through this newest revelation and seek God on how to heal this area of my life I know that there is more to this fear of success. I know that it touches areas of my life that I haven't even realized yet. I'm certain that my fear of success is attached to at least one of my core beliefs about myself and that it's in the healing of those beliefs that my freedom from keeping myself in failure mode will break. I know that this is going to be a journey and that it's not going to be easy or pretty. I don't know what this road is going to look like or what might be around the corner. There is one thing I do know though and that is tomorrow instead of being determined to fail I'm going to allow the beast inside of me to thrive! It's time to break free from the chains and beliefs that have been holding me back for so many years. 

Defining Success

As I hit the post button on my last blog post I had many expectations and ideas of what would follow. I was pumped to dig in and slay this giant I'd been dragging with me throughout the years. Yet even with all the determination I felt there were fears that came with it. First there was the vulnerability fear. What would people think when they read this post? Is being this vulnerable and open brave or just plain idiotic? What if I put this out there and no one responded at all? Then there was the fear of putting something I still am struggling with out there for all to see. I can talk about my past: my drug addiction, my alcoholism, my cutting because all of these things may have been a part of me at one time but today they are in my past. However was I going to be capable of sharing the highs and lows of this journey with the world? Was I going to be able to write about the days I failed along with the days I succeeded? I decided that if I was going to put this journey on "paper" for all to read I'd have no other choice but to be completely open to sharing from my heart the good and bad. I hit post and with that one click I invited the world on this journey into the unknown of learning to love me. 

Little did I know that the very next night I would find myself in a situation that would test just how willing I was to be real with you all throughout this process. You see I had all kinds of ideas in my head about how the battle was going to be won. I thought I knew exactly how things were going to go down. I thought I knew the feelings and emotions that I would have to face. I thought I knew the wounds that I needed cleaned out and bandages up so that healing could occur. What I didn't know was that very next night I would find myself bent over my toilet with my fingers jammed down my throat trying to expel my latest binge. I didn't expect that an old behavior would so quickly make an appearance. How had I found myself here again? With that one act I decided I couldn't possibly share this with everyone. What was I thinking when I made that decision? It's kinda comical how God works when my backs up against the wall He swoops in with His saving grace. 

Within minutes of me leaving the bathroom to lay on my bed to analyze this whole thing I got a text from a very close friend which made my jaw drop. "I just binged horribly and now I want to force myself to vomit." I reread that text message over and over again trying to process what she had just said to me and how I was going to respond to her. In the end I responded with the truth about what I had just done and as hard as that was it ended up being the greatest thing I could have done. Through our conversation following we talked about what was really going on in our lives at the moment. We were able to be vulnerable within the mess. See I knew this journey would get messy I just didn't know that the mess would be that messy. This morning I saw Lecrae posted a quote on Facebook that stated if you refuse to endure struggle you refuse to embrace progress. WOW!! It's through the struggles like I found myself in that night that the progress is going to come. It was through that night that I allowed someone else into the depths of all the junk I've been trying to face alone or technically bury alone. My question is if you're wanting to see progress in an area of your life are you willing to endure the vulnerability it takes to be real with someone in your life? Who is that person that you can be real with? For me that night it took my friend sending the first text message for me to be willing to share where I really was that night. Who are you being vulnerable with? Perhaps someone in your life needs you to open up first so that they have the courage to share their struggles. I don't know if I would have worked through that night and have gotten to the place where I can post about that night if it hadn't been for her text first. Will you go first for someone today? 

Battle Lines

Eureka! Last night the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I had drawn my battle lines but I had drawn them in the wrong spot. Have you ever decided to tackle a behavior or belief only to realize that it's attached to something much deeper? That's exactly what I realized last night, I had declared battle against Taco Bell yet tacos weren't the real issue. When I got clean I learned that I would actually pick up my drug of choice long before I actually went and scored it.  It all started in my mind and if I allowed myself to dwell on it and invested my thoughts into it I was bound to give into those thoughts. So the real question isn't how do I keep myself out of the Taco Bell drive thru or not devour that entire gallon of ice cream in one setting but the real dilemma is inside my head.  

If I was completely honest with you all I would tell you that inside my head is a constant barrage of insults and names that I sling at myself day in and day out. But not many people are privy to the secret conversations in the darkness of my head until today. Today I shall attempt to shine a light on the destructive thoughts that I live with daily. 

Somedays I wonder how many times I can hurl the words, "You're worthless!" At myself. Believe me when I say it's a lot. That's something that I grew up believing that I was worthless because I wasn't able to be everything that everyone wanted me to be yet today I continue to speak those words over myself.  Kinda hard to make good healthy choices when you believe you're worthless. 

Another favorite "game" of mine is that grand comparison game. You know the one where I compare myself to every women that walks by me. Of course I can find something better in every woman that I see. Or here's another big one that I tell myself on a daily basis, "You're never going to get married. No one wants you! Look at you!" I vividly remember my grandmother speaking those words over me when I was in 8th grade. Didn't take long for me to soak those up and add them to my arsenal. Today with me being almost 34 and still single this is my favorite voice of destruction. I mean obviously my grandmother was right all those years ago or I wouldn't still be single. So therefore if it's just going to be me and my cat forever then who cares how many donuts I eat?!? 

Yep that's just a sampling of the thoughts that rush through my head. As I sit here and write these out I think there is no way would I speak to anyone the same way I speak to myself. So why am I okay with talking to myself like this? How do I start to change this? How do I change something that has become second nature to me like breathing? 

Well first I acknowledge there is an issue. Check! So now that I know this is an issue what's next?! How do I start to change my inner dialogue to reflect the things that the Holy Spirit is talking to me about? How do you go from believing your worthless to believing you truly do have worth? I don't know the answer to these questions but I'm determined to learn the answers.