Say what?!? That's my fear?

It's weird when you live your life according to a certain belief only to realize that in reality even you were blinded to what the real belief was. This morning a realization hit me as I was driving home from work. It was like all the sudden the curtain was drawn and I could see into the deep hidden places inside of me. 

So let me try and unpack this for you for a minute. You see tonight I am driving with a friend to Columbus Ohio where tomorrow I will race in my first obstacle course 5k. Back in the middle of January when I signed up for this adventure there was some fear but now that I'm at the day before the race it's almost become a terror. For the past week and a half I have been certain that my fear was failure. Anyone that I talked to about the race I told them things like "I'm not going to be able to do it", "what if I fail?", or "I'm certain I'm going to die in Ohio." All valid comments and concerns if I was struggling with fear of failure yet it isn't failure I fear it's success. Yep I'm not afraid to fail because I know that somewhere inside of me is a beast who will conquer whatever I face. Yet somehow that beast inside me gets overrode so many times by the coward inside of me that dreads success. How exactly can can fear of success be masqueraded as fear of failure? How can I be so determined that nothing life or anyone throws at me will destroy me when I'm trying to destroy myself? It seems like such a paradox but that exactly how I've lived my life determined that no one or nothing was going to hold me back except myself. 

Funny that all this came from a comment that a good friend of mine said yesterday when we were discussing how the online dating was going for me. A few years ago I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities and attributes that I wanted in any future man that I might date. Since then those have been my guideline as far as dating goes. Yesterday while my close friend, Rachel, and I were talking about how no one that showed interest in dating me came even close to meeting my list. As we talked she turned to me and said, "so you want to be in a relationship but at the same time you keep yourself in a place where that's not going to happen." Yep exactly I said thinking it was my fear of failure that was keeping me from dating. Yet this morning I realized that part of my life is also being dictated by my fear of success. You see I didn't just make a list of things that I'd like in a man I made a list of unattainable qualifications that set me up to never have that relationship I desperately desire. Once again showing me how my fear of failure in dating and ending up being the "crazy cat lady" is really ultimately about fearing being successful in a relationship. 

As I start to pray through this newest revelation and seek God on how to heal this area of my life I know that there is more to this fear of success. I know that it touches areas of my life that I haven't even realized yet. I'm certain that my fear of success is attached to at least one of my core beliefs about myself and that it's in the healing of those beliefs that my freedom from keeping myself in failure mode will break. I know that this is going to be a journey and that it's not going to be easy or pretty. I don't know what this road is going to look like or what might be around the corner. There is one thing I do know though and that is tomorrow instead of being determined to fail I'm going to allow the beast inside of me to thrive! It's time to break free from the chains and beliefs that have been holding me back for so many years. 

Defining Success

As I hit the post button on my last blog post I had many expectations and ideas of what would follow. I was pumped to dig in and slay this giant I'd been dragging with me throughout the years. Yet even with all the determination I felt there were fears that came with it. First there was the vulnerability fear. What would people think when they read this post? Is being this vulnerable and open brave or just plain idiotic? What if I put this out there and no one responded at all? Then there was the fear of putting something I still am struggling with out there for all to see. I can talk about my past: my drug addiction, my alcoholism, my cutting because all of these things may have been a part of me at one time but today they are in my past. However was I going to be capable of sharing the highs and lows of this journey with the world? Was I going to be able to write about the days I failed along with the days I succeeded? I decided that if I was going to put this journey on "paper" for all to read I'd have no other choice but to be completely open to sharing from my heart the good and bad. I hit post and with that one click I invited the world on this journey into the unknown of learning to love me. 

Little did I know that the very next night I would find myself in a situation that would test just how willing I was to be real with you all throughout this process. You see I had all kinds of ideas in my head about how the battle was going to be won. I thought I knew exactly how things were going to go down. I thought I knew the feelings and emotions that I would have to face. I thought I knew the wounds that I needed cleaned out and bandages up so that healing could occur. What I didn't know was that very next night I would find myself bent over my toilet with my fingers jammed down my throat trying to expel my latest binge. I didn't expect that an old behavior would so quickly make an appearance. How had I found myself here again? With that one act I decided I couldn't possibly share this with everyone. What was I thinking when I made that decision? It's kinda comical how God works when my backs up against the wall He swoops in with His saving grace. 

Within minutes of me leaving the bathroom to lay on my bed to analyze this whole thing I got a text from a very close friend which made my jaw drop. "I just binged horribly and now I want to force myself to vomit." I reread that text message over and over again trying to process what she had just said to me and how I was going to respond to her. In the end I responded with the truth about what I had just done and as hard as that was it ended up being the greatest thing I could have done. Through our conversation following we talked about what was really going on in our lives at the moment. We were able to be vulnerable within the mess. See I knew this journey would get messy I just didn't know that the mess would be that messy. This morning I saw Lecrae posted a quote on Facebook that stated if you refuse to endure struggle you refuse to embrace progress. WOW!! It's through the struggles like I found myself in that night that the progress is going to come. It was through that night that I allowed someone else into the depths of all the junk I've been trying to face alone or technically bury alone. My question is if you're wanting to see progress in an area of your life are you willing to endure the vulnerability it takes to be real with someone in your life? Who is that person that you can be real with? For me that night it took my friend sending the first text message for me to be willing to share where I really was that night. Who are you being vulnerable with? Perhaps someone in your life needs you to open up first so that they have the courage to share their struggles. I don't know if I would have worked through that night and have gotten to the place where I can post about that night if it hadn't been for her text first. Will you go first for someone today? 

Battle Lines

Eureka! Last night the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I had drawn my battle lines but I had drawn them in the wrong spot. Have you ever decided to tackle a behavior or belief only to realize that it's attached to something much deeper? That's exactly what I realized last night, I had declared battle against Taco Bell yet tacos weren't the real issue. When I got clean I learned that I would actually pick up my drug of choice long before I actually went and scored it.  It all started in my mind and if I allowed myself to dwell on it and invested my thoughts into it I was bound to give into those thoughts. So the real question isn't how do I keep myself out of the Taco Bell drive thru or not devour that entire gallon of ice cream in one setting but the real dilemma is inside my head.  

If I was completely honest with you all I would tell you that inside my head is a constant barrage of insults and names that I sling at myself day in and day out. But not many people are privy to the secret conversations in the darkness of my head until today. Today I shall attempt to shine a light on the destructive thoughts that I live with daily. 

Somedays I wonder how many times I can hurl the words, "You're worthless!" At myself. Believe me when I say it's a lot. That's something that I grew up believing that I was worthless because I wasn't able to be everything that everyone wanted me to be yet today I continue to speak those words over myself.  Kinda hard to make good healthy choices when you believe you're worthless. 

Another favorite "game" of mine is that grand comparison game. You know the one where I compare myself to every women that walks by me. Of course I can find something better in every woman that I see. Or here's another big one that I tell myself on a daily basis, "You're never going to get married. No one wants you! Look at you!" I vividly remember my grandmother speaking those words over me when I was in 8th grade. Didn't take long for me to soak those up and add them to my arsenal. Today with me being almost 34 and still single this is my favorite voice of destruction. I mean obviously my grandmother was right all those years ago or I wouldn't still be single. So therefore if it's just going to be me and my cat forever then who cares how many donuts I eat?!? 

Yep that's just a sampling of the thoughts that rush through my head. As I sit here and write these out I think there is no way would I speak to anyone the same way I speak to myself. So why am I okay with talking to myself like this? How do I start to change this? How do I change something that has become second nature to me like breathing? 

Well first I acknowledge there is an issue. Check! So now that I know this is an issue what's next?! How do I start to change my inner dialogue to reflect the things that the Holy Spirit is talking to me about? How do you go from believing your worthless to believing you truly do have worth? I don't know the answer to these questions but I'm determined to learn the answers. 

Someone's Watching....

Wouldn't it be great if after we dusted our homes once dust bunnies never returned to live in our houses? Unfortunately dust always returns eventually and once again we have to get out the feather duster and pledge.  What if I said that it's all good because I took a shower last Tuesday.  I am guessing that most of you would not want to be within smell of me if that was actually the case.  How about getting a new car and running it through the car wash that first week and four years later thinking that one car wash was still sufficient?  Most of these scenarios sound asinine to us yet can I make a confession?  

 I am guilty of living my relationship with Jesus like this quite often.  Never would I try to survive on the chicken sandwich and fries that I had for lunch today until next Sunday yet I try to stretch the spiritual feeding that I got this morning for a week.  Sometimes if I go to a retreat or a conference I even try to make that feeding last me a whole month! 

This morning as we were getting ready for church Kaiden announced to me that his teacher at church said that I don't pray and read the Bible everyday.  I asked him why he thinks I don't read the Bible daily or  pray.  His response was well I never see you read the Bible.  OUCH! As much as that hurt me he was speaking truth.  I don't pick up and read my Bible daily.  I am not teaching him the importance of Scripture in His life.  I must ask myself is that the example that I want to leave him?  Absolutely not! I have to start picking up my Bible daily so that I can be spiritually feed but also so that my nephew can see my faith in action.  He is watching me even if I don't think he is sometimes.  

Is there an area in your spiritual walk that is lacking? For me it's Bible reading but for you maybe it's prayer or worship.  Who is watching and looking to you for guidance?  My challenge is that we become intentional about those things that we lack discipline in.  

Leaving A Legacy....

Over the past few weeks I have spent some time pondering the type of legacy I want to pass down to the next generations in my family.  Do I want my future children to be struggling with the same issues that I have battled?  Do I want my future grand-children fighting an addiction that has been passed down from generation to generation?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
Growing up I didn't know that there was a possiblity that things could be different.  I thought that is was my destiny to walk through addiction, pain, and sufferings.  I thought that because my mom behaved in a certain way that I was destined to behave in that same way.  I was certain that my life would just progress exactly the way that my parents and grandparents lives did.
Last blog post I challenged myself and you to write out an A-Z list of characteristics and behaviors that would be included in a legacy that you would like to pass down to the future generations.  I have done that and will share with you what I put on my legacy list.  However I thought that I might also look at what type of legacy was passed down to me.  You see there are behaviors that are preveliant in my family, behaviors that it seems everyone struggles with.  Then there are certain behaviors that I picked up in response to some of the stuff passed down to me.  In making an A-Z list of those things that have roots in my family history and those things that I have added to that list throughout my life my A-Z list would include things like: Addictions, Broken Promises,Cutting, Divorce, Emotional Eating, Fighting, Gambling, Health Issues, Insecurities,Jealousy.  It would also include such things as suicide, mental illness, worthlessness, abuse, pornography, and sexual sin.  Are these the types of things that I want to pass down to my children and my children's children?  NO!! And thankfully I don't have to.  I can draw the line with me.  Sexual abuse in my family can end with me!! Addictions can end with me!! Mental illness can end with me!!! I don't have to pass these things on to future generations and I WON'T!!!

So if I don't want to leave this legacy than what do I want to leave?  Well I have wrote out an A-Z list of the legacy that I do want to leave.  I have printed it out and framed it.  I then hung it on my bedroom wall so that I see it everyday and I am reminded of what I am fighting for.  So what type of legacy do I want to leave?

…..But showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments-Exodus 20:6

A anointing of the Holy Spirit
B broken generational sins
C confidence in who they are in Christ
D discernment 
E employment (steady and reliable)
F financial responsibility and security 
G godly spouses
H healthy boundaries
I integrity
J joy of the Lord
K knowledge and wisdom 
L love (pure agape love not foo-foo love based on deeds)
M ministry involvement 
N not easily swayed by the enemy
O operating in the gifts of the Spirit
P passion for prayer
Q quick to turn from sin and repent
R reaching out to others
S steadfast faith
T trustworthy
U unity within the family 
V victorious in Christ 
W worship 
X eXamples of Christ's love 
Y yearning for Heaven
Z zeal for the Word

What legacy will you leave?  Will your children struggle like you have or will they walk in freedom?

A is for Annoying, B is for Belligerent, C is for ......

The A-Z word game has been suggested to me over and over again by people in my life as a tool that I can use to take my mind off the course that it is on and direct it's attention somewhere else.  I must admit though that I never really gave the A-Z word game a chance.  It just seemed like way too much work for me who was perfectly content to allow my mind to wander aimlessly where ever it found its self drifting.  Didn't these people who were suggesting this outrageous task to me know exactly how many letters were in the alphabet?!?! It would take me hours to think of a word for all 26 letters.  For years I have always thought that this might be a good thing for others to do but definitely not needed for myself.  Of course often when I think like that I soon find myself in a situation where my logic is proven wrong, that's exactly what happened last night.

In the course of a conversation with an extremely close friend I suggested, probably firmly demanded, that she do the A-Z word game to help distract her from thoughts that were pounding in her mind.  I potitely asked if she would mind, really?,  no I told her I wanted her to do A-Z of city names and for her to email it to me. A little bit later I got an email from her with her list of A-Z cities.....                                                                    

A-Alexandria,B-Boston,C-Chicago,D-Dallas

                                                                                             
Excited that her focus was not on what it had been I conntinued reading. It soon became clear to me that she too shared my feelings about the A-Z word game. Some of the replies that I got included....

S-Sucks. This game suck,U-U are annoying sometimes.

Once again I issued her the A-Z word game challenge.  Yeah it might of still been a demand.  However it was a demand made in love.  This time I wanted A-Z songs. Sortly afterwards I got an email with the list of songs.  The first A-Z list had seven destructive answers on it and the second list had just two!!! I thought to myself WOW apparently this does work. I filed that information away for my future use.  Not that I was intending on EVER making an A-Z word list but just in case another friend might find it useful.  

Not too much time passed before I found myself doing an A-Z word list with this friend.  A-annoying she started it out with(apparently she still wasn't thrilled with the word game), B-believing I replied, C-Christ, D-Delivers, E-Equips.  We went through the entire alphabet taking turns coming up with words that desribed Christ.  In case your wondering if we changed A, we did.  This morning A was changed from annoying to always faithful!! 

It was during the A-Z characteristics of Christ that I realized that there was something happening.  Our minds were being taken off of those things that the enemy was trying to distract us with and our complete focus was on the character of our Jesus.  There is power in Jesus!! There is freedom in focusing on who Christ is!!! Whoo!!! He is worthy to be praised!!! 

I thought that was going to be the end of the A-Z word game for a while.  However I was wrong....

My friend was being attacked by the enemy of our soul, the one who wants nothing but to destroy us.  Satan will bring to our minds anything that he thinks will put a gap between us and our God.  I know that in my own life sometimes I feel like I am constantly bombarded with the lies of the devil. "You're never going to amount to anything, Do you really think you should be working in ministry?, If only your church knew what you were thinking about last night, You're worthless, Might as well cut, You aren't really free from that, just do it once, God doesn't have a husband set aside for you, Do you really think that you could ever make a godly wife?"  Just on and on, over and over these thoughts among many, many others race and tear through my mind.  Soon I start to believe them.  I find myself saying, "You're right I am never going to be married, I am never going to have kids. Noone would ever want me.", etc.  Today sitting here typing this I KNOW those are lies straight from the pit of hell but I admit that I still at times fall for the ememies ploys.  Not as often or as hard but I still find myself believing lies. The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy.  The enemy knows that if he can destroy the truth of who we are in Christ, then he can steal all hope from us, and then he can sit back while we kill ourselves.  It's time for us to stand FIRM in who we are in Christ, to not be swayed to the left or the right!! Well.... How did I get off on that?! Indentity in Christ is a topic for a whole nother blog post.  

Back to the A-Z word game and the realization that I had this morning.  During a morning conversation with this same friend of mine I thought that perhaps she could benefit from atleast one more A-Z word game.  This time I sent her a text and told her to do an A-Z list of what type of legacy she was going to leave for her kids, grand-kids, great grand-kids, great-great-grand-kids etc.  Immediately I felt the tug of the Holy Spirit pushing me to also do this A-Z list.  Seriously?!? Doesn't God know how I feel about these?  Honestly my friends repsonse kinda echoed my own, "What???? That's Hard!!!" Funny thing was as I was trying to convince her of the benefits of making this list the Holy Spirit was using my words to her to get through to me.  God is quite good at using circumstances in our lives to get our attention.  Here I am trying to convince my friend of the benefits of this A-Z list yet at the same time I am balking at God at the thought of having to do the same list.
"God I am not married.  I have no children.  I have no legacy to leave. Why should I write out this list?"  Gently I hear that whisper, "Kaiden you are leaving a legacy for Kaiden.  Soon you will be leaving a legacy for Kara. What kind of legacy are you going to leave them?  Will they struggle with the pains that your family has struggled with for generations or are you going to break those for them?"  See one of my favorite Scriptures is Exodus 20:4 where God is talking about those things which can be passed down from generation to generation. It says that God will punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generation, yet He will also bless a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.  Am I leaving blessing or cursing as my legacy to the generations that follow me?  So tonight I sat here typing this knowing that I too will be making an A-Z word list of the type of legacy I want to leave the furture generations.  Next time I am tempted to believe a lie of the enemy I can pull out this list and think would it be worth it knowing that furture generations could be punished for choices that I make today?
What legacy are you leaving the future generations is your family?  What A-Z word list should you make?

Jesus and moldy buns....

My mind tends to be an extremely busy place to be. At any given point of the day you would find that I am having a minimal of three different thought processes or conversations going on in my head. Analyzing to paralysis is a normal everyday thing for me. My thoughts tend to become this twisted mass of confusion and chaos of which most of the time I have no clue what any of the original thoughts were. It can be highly tiring to try and follow most of the thoughts that I think. A thought that starts with I need to pee after 4 hours of reflection and debate in my head ends with thinking about Jesus and moldy buns. Now how exactly did I come from the fact that my bladder was full to Jesus and moldy buns? Well I am going to attempt to take you on a journey through my thoughts.... Hold on cause there might be some turbulence!!!
Last night at work all seemed well and kinda quiet in my head. Actually it probably wasn't because at the time I was doing paperwork, watching television, and playing on my phone but for the most part even though I was really multi-tasking my mind seemed as focused as it has the capacity to be. Oh yes and I was munching on some cheese curls and a pickle! Gotta love me some pickles. Anyway see what I mean by a million different thoughts zooming through my head. Back to last night at work, all of the sudden it hit me that I had to go to the bathroom. So while I was doing my business I got to thinking about Adam and Eve and what the Garden of Eden was like before the fall. You know how beautiful it was, what Adam and Eve did during the day, how did they look. All these thoughts and ideas racing through my head. Next thing I knew I was thinking about Adam and Eve and the bathroom. Just you know everyday things that people think about like where did they relieve themselves? Since before the fall there was no shame did Eve care if Adam stood there and talked to her while she was in the "bathroom"? What did they use to wipe? Leaves? Oh yes I tried to warn you my head takes me on some strange adventures. Anyway not really coming up with any answers to all these questions I moved on to the next topic.
One of my favorite Scriptures is in Hebrews 4:15 where it talks about Jesus being our High Priest who is in touch with those things that we face. He understands what we go through and how we are tempted. So I went off meditating on the scripture. Thinking about those things that I struggle with and how He knows and He sympathizes with those parts of my life. Knowing that I can bring to Him ANYTHING and He can understand and feel what I am. How awesome is that!!! Of course I didn't stay there long before I found myself sitting on the couch at work back to this whole bathroom thing. I don't know what makes me get stuck on certain thoughts but I really struggle with letting things go sometimes.
What about Jesus? How did he take care of his body's needs? Yes, I did go there and think about Jesus being made fully human and all that entails. There is a lot there to think about believe me cause I think I explored every area of Jesus' life while He was walking this earth.
Seems so strange to me to think about Jesus not just being a baby but thinking about what does a baby do. Can you picture baby Jesus giggling at Mary while she changes His diapers? Can you see toddler Jesus as He is learning to walk? Can you see Him tumble over his feet and fall crying while Mary lifts him out of the dirt and soothes Him? What about teenager Jesus? Can you see Him following Joseph to his workshop? Can you see Jesus learning to use a saw? I spent most of my morning just thinking about these things. About what it really meant for Jesus to become FULLY human.
Phillipians 2:5-8 in the Message Bible says Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
WOW!!! That is totally what Jesus did He came down to earth from Heaven. He left all the gloriousness of being with God in heaven so He could come down to be born of a virgin, to be raised by a carpenter, to experience everything that we do! He was willing to get sick with the stomach flu. Willing to humble Himself to know what it felt like to be rejected and despised. He didn't come down in royal form yet He came as a baby born in a manger.
So you may be wondering where I found myself at Jesus and moldy buns.
Well about a month ago a a really good friend of mine posted a Facebook status that said.... So you know what they say, "The family that bunks together..." And the end of the sentence is blows chunks together. Her family had some down sick and it was not a very fun time in their household. Well in the course of Facebook comments I said Guess that's better than a family that ______ together gets the runs together.... However I could not come up with a good word to fill in that blank. Guns, funs, buns.... Hmmph... No those didn't sound just right. After some suggestions from other friends the winner was finally given as The family that eats moldy buns together... gets the runs together. So after 4 hours I ended with thinking about the fact that Jesus and his family might have sometimes ate moldy buns and ended up in the bathroom with.... I will let you finish the sentence.