Laying my brother at His feet

My brother Chad... 

My entire life I have always felt a sense of responsibility for my younger siblings.  Growing up I was constantly making choices to try and protect them.  I think being the first born that it was just a part of my DNA to feel like it was my job to be the adult in their lives especially when there wasn't anyone looking out for them.  My heart was so focused on taking care of them.  I never felt like I fully achieved what I wanted.  Perhaps that was because I was a child too and it really wasn't suppose to be my job to parent my siblings.  However that urge and desire never left me.  I have lived my life feeling a huge amount of weight on my shoulders for Heather and Chad.  Which didn't even change on March 20,2005.
You see on March 19th I got a phone call from my brother Chad.  He wanted to come down and visit me.  It was late at night and I was already asleep.  I told Chad to call me the next morning and we would get together.  Unfortunately that never came to be.  I was awakened to the ringing of the phone at 8:30AM the morning of March 20th.  It was my grandma on the other line.  She was sobbing, something was wrong but I couldn't make out what it was that she was saying.  Someone had been hurt, they had found someone in the family.  The cops, gun, suicide, dead, not breathing, Chad all these words swirling around in my head.  In my morning fog of just waking up nothing was clear to me.  Then all of a sudden she said the detective was going to drive her to Franklin to get me.  Those words all the sudden found some sort of order in my head.  She was talking about my brother.  He was dead. I collapsed on the floor my the couch.  Screaming NO,NO,NO!!!
For a long time after getting that news I struggled tremendously to try and make sense of a senseless death.  Did he sound depressed on the phone?  Did I miss something in his voice?  Would things have been different if I had seen him that night?  Somewhere along the way I decided that I was the one to blame for the night that my brother died.  I was the one who was selfishly sleeping while he was sitting in Hampton's Market parking lot with a gun pointed at his head. I was the one who wasn't there for him in his darkest time.  I started struggling with images of that night.  I would picture what he looked like sitting in his truck.  What was he thinking.  What were the sounds, smells, and sights of that night.  I had horribly vivid images of my brothers last minutes.  Let me tell you if you don't have anything to gauge it by your imagination has no limits. Over and over the torments of these visions played in my mind.  There were days were I couldn't even bring myself to function because of all the craziness going on in my head.  I ended up taking all the blame, all the punishment, all the pain of his death on myself.  I somewhere decided that from that moment of his last breath until mine I wouldn't let myself heal from losing my brother. 
Last weekend I went on a God Seekers retreat.  I had been asking God to give me a vision, just a snipet of what the weekend was going to look like for me.  Each time I asked I saw the same thing me laying on the floor.  I didn't really know what specifically God was going to do for me that weekend but I knew that when I was on the floor that was when He was doing His greatest work in me.  I knew from previous retreats that being on the floor in the presence of God was a deeply emotional cleansing time for me.  I knew that this weekend would be no different.  God was going to do some healing of my past. I just didn't know what He was going after.
Friday night it became very clear to me that I was going to be dealing with Chad's suicide.  The lady that gave her testimony on Friday night talked about the suicide of her sister.  I sat there with that lump of emotions stuck in my throat fighting the tears that were threatening to fall.  All the time I was thinking God this was NOT what I was wanting to face this weekend.  Can't I keep my brother for a little longer?  That was not His plan even though I tried to make it His. 
I went to the speaker and had her pray for me.  God had showed me a while back while I was at a Survivors of Suicide meeting with another friend who lost her mom that I hadn't fully dealt with Chad's death as a suicide.  I had skimmed over it and grieved only that which I would allow myself to do but I didn't allow complete healing to come by facing the fact that my brother chose to walk out on me.  He made the choice to pull the trigger.  I had to face the truth about his death so that I could find peace.  That night I laid on the floor and debated with Jesus about my brother.  Jesus just wanted me to give my brother over to Him but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  See everytime I closed my eyes I saw myself with my arms stretched out before me and Chad's lifeless bloody body was laying across my arms.  I was carrying him with me everywhere I went.  I couldn't let him go.  If I let him go then what would happen.  Would that mean that I couldn't be to blame for his death?  This was the hardest struggle.  I have no clue how long I laid there but I know that it was a long time.  I still wasn't ready to let Jesus have my baby brother. I was still trying to protect him and save him even in death. 
My spiritual mom was on this retreat with me.  As I lay there on the floor she came over to check on me.  I told her what God was wanting me to do and told her that I wasn't ready.  I told her that I knew it was what I was suppose to do but that I couldn't bring myself to do it.  After a little bit I found myself with her in my room once again struggling to place the limp body of my brother in Jesus's arms. All I could focus on was the pain that I saw in Chad's stiff face, that pain that he died with deep inside of him.  I noticed now that Jesus was standing facing me with His arms outstretched waiting to take my brother into His loving arms.  I tried to wade through the emotions that were enveloping me until I finally placed Chad into the arms of Jesus.  I was sobbing in Patty's hug as I gave my brother over.  It was the most gut wrenching pain I have ever felt.
Well I thought that would be the end of it however that is not how my God works.  His Word says that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion.  As painful as this was I knew in my spirit that this was a good thing that God was doing in me.  I needed it to be brought to completion. I needed there to be a total release and healing inside of me.  That was God's plan for me as well.

Chad at Halloween

Saturday morning I saw another vision.  This time my brother was laying on the ground, still lifeless and bloody.  Just like I had placed him in Jesus' arms.  The difference this time was that Jesus was leaning over my brother.  Jesus was stroking the side of Chad's face.  I could see the tears falling from Jesus' eyes.  He was mourning for the loss of my brother. As much as my brother meant to me he means more to Jesus.  I saw that it grieved Jesus' heart that my brother was in so much pain that he saw no other way out.  I started to feel more at peace with this process but I wasn't completely there yet.
Saturday night I saw my brother once again.  This time he was up and moving.  His clothes had been changed.  He was no longer the picture of death and suicide that I had burnt into my memory.  He was my baby brother.  Jesus was with Chad again. This time they were talking and just spending time together.  I looked around at where they were and I recognized the place.  It was my secret place with Jesus.  There was my field and there was the tree that Jesus and I climb.  Funny thing is I found myself getting irritated that my brother was in my secret getaway with Jesus.  Part of me just had to laugh why would I think that Chad would be anywhere else.  He was always in my stuff while alive so why would I expect anything different.  I was able to think about some of those times where he was just my annoying little brother.  What a brat he could be! I love that little brother of mine! Suddenly Jesus tapped on Chad's shoulder and pointed him to look in my direction.  Chad saw me and started walking over to me.  When he reached me he flashed me that crooked smile of his.  I was so happy to see him again.  Chad then spoke to me.  He told me, I love you Holly.  I am safe with Jesus.  You don't have to worry about me anymore.  I didn't die because of something you did. You didn't pull the trigger.  Please stop taking on stuff that isn't yours.  I love you so much and I will see you soon.  At that he turned and walked away from me into the brightest white light I have ever seen.  I stood there watching my brother until I could see him no more.

Out of Darkness Walk 2010

 I truly believe that I have been set free from the guilt of Chad's death.  I have placed him into Jesus' arms where he is at rest.  A few days after getting home from retreat I had another vision.  In this one Chad was sitting in his truck.  I realized very quickly that this was the night that my brother lost his life.  I had spent so many hours recreating this event in my mind.  However this time I noticed something that I never saw before.  Sitting in the passenger seat right next to Chad was Jesus.  He was looking at him with such love and compassion.  I may never know the exact events of that night however I do know one thing and that is all that matters.  Jesus was with my brother that night.  Jesus was there through the whole thing.  What a precious thought to know that even at my brothers lowest he wasn't alone....

Are You Starving?

As I sat outside thinking about how amazing God is and just soaking in His love I noticed a cat sitting on this abandoned truck. I started to get up to walk towards it. My movement caused it to take notice of me. The closer I got to this cat the more apparent it became to me that I was not going to get to pet this cat. It was going to run in fear and that is exactly what it did. He jumped off the truck and sprinted as fast as he could into the cornfield. Little did I know that God was going to show me something through this scared cat.
As I stood on the outskirts of this cornfield meowing and trying to coax this cat from it's secure location in the corn I felt God say you were once this cat. I thought how exactly am I like this cat? But He was right I was just like this cat. You see he desperately wanted to be petted and loved. He was starving for some type of affection but there was such a great fear keeping him from receiving the love. You see I was standing at the edge of the cornfield calling to him so I could pet him and love on him. Yet each time he came near me the slightest movement would startle him back into the security of the corn. For about 15 minutes I waited patiently for this cat to become comfortable with me. I knelt down and just held my hand still allowing him to rub up on my hand. At the slightest touch back into the field he ran. Until finally he allowed me to pet him.
God was totally right I had been that cat. I was so starved for love and affection that I made attempts to let people into my safe area but it was a struggle. Many times I would try to allow people to love me because I so desperately wanted/needed that yet the fear of getting hurt kept me from fully opening myself to receive. I kept running back to the safety of the walls that I had built around me.
God was so faithful to patiently wait for me. He was standing outside the walls desiring to be let in. Just like I didn't want to harm this cat just wanted to give him some love that was what God wanted to do for me. He patiently waited with His arms stretched out for me to take a hold of them. Just like the cat had to open up and come to me I had to be the one to come out and be willing to let God love me.
Throughout my life there have been numerous people placed strategically by God in my life to give me that love I was seeking. They were there patiently waiting for me to let them in. I had to only open the door a little.
Have you been hurt in the past? Are you starving for love? Are you seeking for love in places where it's not at? Ask God to remove those barriers keeping you from fully experiencing His all encompassing love. He will do it. His desire is for us to be healed. Spend time with God allowing Him to show you what His love looks and feels like. He can break down any barriers in your heart.

Really?!? God can use this?!?!

Growing up I always questioned why I had to endure certain things. I remember being a little girl and laying in bed crying to God about those horrible injustices that I was having to endure. At nine years old I didn’t understand why God never swooped down from His throne in Heaven and recused me from all the horrible things that were surrounding me. I would cry and pray every night for Him to save me, to help me get out of the situation some how. Yet I never was rescued. I didn’t get some bright light filling my bedroom and transporting me to a new family with a loving home. Although that was the cry of my heart all throughout my childhood. I would sit and daydream about what it would be like to live in a family where there was love abounding. What would it be like to have a loving mom and dad who where there to protect me? How would it feel to be secure in my surroundings? Everyday I wondered these things and with every passing day I was certain that God had abandoned me. I must of deserved the abuse and neglect that I was suffering.
You see by 11 years old I was beat up and destroyed by the world around me. I didn’t know who my dad was and my mom was wrapped up in any guy that would give her attention. So for me and my siblings that meant lots of men in and out of our house. That meant having to fight off the advances of a step-dad who my mom was certain was the one she had been searching for all her life. Nothing was ever consistant in our house. There was no structure or boundaries. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional environment full of neglect, abuse, and destruction. I was certain that if God was really out there that He didn’t want anything to do with this horrible little girl.
At 20 years old I was burying my mom. The person in my life that I desperately wanted unconditional love and affection from. I had tried my entire life to become the daughter that I thought she wanted. How desperately I longed for her to just sit and hold me while I cried. All I wanted was to know that she loved me. That dream was shattered the day that she took her last breath in Methodist Hospital. Here I was addicted to alcohol, drugs, suicidal, entrenched in the darkness of self-injury burying the only hope that I clung to. What was there left to fight for?
I am so thankful looking back that I didn’t throw in the towel after mom passed. I am so glad that I kept fighting. Somewhere inside myself was this desire to survive. It wasn’t a pretty transformation. It has hurt deeply. There have been days that I have wanted to just stop. Days that I have been wore out from clawing my way out of yet another deep dark pit. But in the end I am eternally grateful today for my past. I wouldn’t trade all the pain and hurt for anything. Because you see along the way I learned that all of the junk that I have suffered through in my life God has used in other people’s lifes. At 9 years old I couldn’t see into the future and how the abuse that I suffered was going to be used to glorify God. I couldn’t see how any of the darkness in my life could have any good. How could the fact that I cut my skin with razors, knifes, or really anything sharp be something useful for the healing of anyone else. However today I can tell you that He has used EVERY horrible thing in my past for good.
It wasn’t until about 2 years ago that this became very evident to me. You see God brought this friend into my life and through the struggles she was going to face I was going to understand why I went through everything I did. I didn’t know that only a short few months after our paths crossed that she would be walking through the grief of losing her mom. I didn’t know that I was going to be able to give her support soley based on the fact that I had been in the exact same spot that she found herself. I knew the overwhelming pain. I knew what it felt like to have to plan your own mom’s funeral at a young age. I knew what is was like to let go of the dream of a relationship with a mom who wasn’t able to give us what we needed. I knew what it was like for your world to be spinning out of your control. I had walked this road. It was through this that my heart was reminded of the Scripture in Romans. That one that I had decided just wasn’t true years ago. The one where God promises to use ALL things for our good to those who love Him and are called to Him. He was showing me that even this promise is true.
In the past two years I can’t count the number of times that God has used a portion of my past, a part of my pain in someone else’s life. Just like I can’t count the number of times He has used the pain of another’s life to minister to me.
What is going on in your life right now? Do you have things in your history that you have allowed the enemy to lie to you about? Seek God, ask Him to send someone your way who needs to hear your story. He will cause there is one thing that I am certain of today: Nothing that I have experienced in my life, neither the great and wonderous or the painful and deading, will be wasted. He will use it to grow me and to grow others. I just have to be willing to be used.

A Morning Conversation with God

If you asked my best friend, Cecily, what my favorite color was she would tell you orange. She would be totally right. I love the color orange and all things orange related. I love oranges and peaches. I love to eat circus peanuts. I would say that really the only thing I don’t love that is orange is the Tennessee Vols. Not that I don’t love the color of their uniforms but I prefer to yell ROLL TIDE ROLL!!! I despise all starburst except for the orange ones. Orange ghetto juice is my preferred flavor. Even my bathroom is painted a peachy-orange color.
So it should be no suprise that my favorite season is fall. I love everything fall related-going to the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch, hay rides, and corn mazes. There is nothing better than pulling on my favorite pair of jeans with my most comfortable hoodie. I LOVE fall!!

                                                     (Taken on 37 in Martinsville, IN)

The other day while driving I couldn’t keep my eyes on the road as I just wanted to marvel at the changing of the leaves. There is nothing prettier to me than when the leaves become yellow, red, and orange as they prepare to fall from the trees. Leaving them bare to prepare for winter.

I started to wonder what those colors symbolized in the Bible. What were the spiritual meanings? Upon looking them up I found that….
Orange- Fire of God, deliverance, warrior, passionate praise
Gold or Yellow- Glory of God, divine nature, holiness, eternal deity, the Godhead, Purification, majesty, righteousness, divine light, kingliness, trial by fire, mercy, power, His Deity
Yellow and Gold speak of trial and purging.
There were a few words that really stood out to me: Fire of God, deliverance, purification, and purging. That was exactly what God was doing in my life. He was using the Fire of God to purify me.

Isaiah 1:25

I will turn my hand against you; I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities
DROSS:

waste matter; refuse

a waste product taken off molten metal during melting

The term “dross” is used to describe waste material which must be removed and processed separately or discarded in a safe place. It may also be dangerous, poisonous, or impure.

As metal is melted, it oxidizes, forming a layer of scum and impurities which float to the surface as the metal heats up. This dross can be skimmed from the metal so that the refined product will be more pure, ensuring a reliable performance when it is cast or worked.
He is allowing me to go through the fire so that the impurities that are inside of me can be removed. He is purging those things out of my life and attitude that are not of Him. He is purifying me so that I can walk in His ways. You see each of these words have a common theme and that is change.
That is what fall represents to me is change. God reminded me that just like the leaves had to fall from the trees to prepare for winter so that He can bring forth new healthy growth in the spring so must all the things that are keeping me from walking intimately with God must fall off of me so that I can bloom into that beautiful new creation.
As I meditated on this God gently whispered to me that those behaviors and beliefs that I have been holding on to are no longer needed in my life. They served a purpose for a time but that time has passed. Just like the leaves are needed in the summer they are not necessary in the winter. Those coping skills that protected me as a child are no longer needed in my life now that I am an adult. It is time for me to let them fall off of me.
When I was a child I used my weight to protect me from my step dad and his advances but today I don’t need that protection. It is time for me to lay that behavior at Jesus’ feet. I no longer need to use food as a protection. Just like I don’t need my anger to be a protective wall around me to keep people at bay. Those things among many others had once served a purpose for me however they no longer do.
Are you holding on to something that needs to fall from you? What is needed for this season that you are in? Are you allowing God to purify and refine you?

What's That Stench?

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from my 3-yr old nephew. He had something extremely important to tell me that could not wait until I got home. “Hello Kaiden,” I excitedly said to him as I picked up the phone. I heard his little voice so thrilled to tell me, “that the hallway smelled like a big fart.” LOL!! Yes talking about bodily functions is one of the joys of being the Aunt to a little boy. If I am quite honest though those are some of my most favorite conversations with him. I laughed to myself as I hung up the phone thinking about his innocence and his ability to just call it like it is.
When I got home that evening the minute I opened the door to our apartment building that overwhelming stench hit me. Kaiden was so right the hallway outside our apartment smelled like someone had some major bad gas. I quickly opened the apartment door relieved that the smell had not permeated our apartment. When I left for work that night it seemed to me that the smell had gotten more intense.
It seemed to just keep getting stronger as the hours passed. I tried to decipher where it was coming from. Whose apartment was the offensive odor coming from? I finally convinced myself that someone had to have died in their apartment and we were smelling the after effects of that. I smelled around the door frame of the neighbor across the hall. YEP!! That was were the smell was coming from. Immediately my imagination went on this wild ride of her being robbed, beaten, shot and left for dead. Seriously am I the only one whose mind goes off on these crazy stories. I convinced myself that she was decomposing and that was the smell. Because now it now longer smelled like a fart but instead like the stench of death.
Shortly after I had decided on this being the source of the smell maintenance came out and was knocking on all the doors. When I opened the door they asked, “Have you noticed an unusual odor?” I almost laughed in their faces. Could they really not smell it?!? After asking a few questions trying to figure out the source of the smell he said that they would have the carpets cleaned and perhaps that would take care of it.
I came home from work that next day(Yes we are on like day 3 of living with this smell) and the apartment building doors were opened and when I walked in the hallway smelled very intensely of Febreeze. At Least the horrible odor was gone I thought but laughed at the way it was handled.
Suddenly I heard that still small voice inside of me. You know who I am talking about, that voice that loves to use everything to teach you something. I very gently heard God speak directly to me that I had a stench in my life. I knew exactly what He was talking about. These were the exact words that I heard….
You know that behavior that you run to when your trying to stuff your feelings. That one that brings you nothing but pain and shame in the end. Until you find the true source of that behavior it will continue to be a stench in your life. Just like the smell in the hallway until the true source of the odor is eliminated that smell will continue to stay and grow stronger. Don’t you know my daughter that your self-seeking is a horrible smell in my nostrils. I desire to remove that stench from you but you have to allow me into those deep dark places of your past.
I have to tell you that I love when God speaks right to the behavior that is keeping me from Him. You see I have a secret behavior, a shameful sin that I have been running to since I was around 4 or 5 years old. Maybe earlier but I definitely remember this sin becoming a release for me at such a young age and I have carried it with me through all these years. It has been that one thing that I have secretly held on to and have ran to over and over again. For the past 2-3 years I have been working on breaking free from the chains of this behavior and have allowed people into this dark area of my life. I have started seeking God for healing in this area. I have opened myself up to being accountable to others in this area. For so many years this was my dirty little secret and now it’s starting to get out into the light. I am started to expose this dark area of my life to God’s healing light. I am allowing Him into those deep, deep wounds inside of me. Yet I was still not willing to go to that place where it all started. I was not willing to open up that area of my life to receive healing. But I know that until I do, until I let God and His healing salve into all of those wounded, infected, stinking areas then I will never find true complete freedom.
Since getting this revelation I have dug in deeper with God in the area. Please continue to lift me up in prayer as I allow Him into those places. I know that I have a ways to go but I also know that His desire is for me to experience complete freedom in Him. I am so grateful for His continued speaking into my life.
Is there an area in your life that is an offensive smell to God? Are you willing to let Him remove the source? Just talk to God! He will reveal anything you want to know.

God is totally for you!!

Have you ever gone through a time where all you could cling to was just one phrase or one scripture to get you through? Have you ever felt like pulling your hair out and screaming at everyone who walks by? Have you ever been so frustrated that you could cry at the drop of a hat?
I could so say yes to every one of those questions. For the past month I have been bombarded by so many things. I have literally felt like I was being torn in half. There were days were all I could do was just repeat the words above from Romans 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? I clung to those words like they were my lifeline because they were. I had to keep God’s promises always before me otherwise I would sit down and give up.
One of the things that I have learned over this past month is that the enemy will throw anything he can at you if he thinks it will distract you. If I am completely honest it worked with me for a while. I was so distracted by trying to fix everything that was going wrong that I took my eyes off of my Jesus. When I took my eyes off of Jesus then I allowed anger and hatred to become a part of my days. How exactly did that happen you may wonder. Well I am going to share with you some of the enemies tactics for distraction.
At the beginning of July on a Friday morning I stopped at a Marathon gas station on the way to work. After filling my tank I went to start my car and it would start but once I put it in drive it would die. I tried over and over again. Yet each time the car would start perfect but once I took my foot off the gas it died. Ok so not the way I want to start my morning but not a major crisis. I called my patient and work letting them know. I then called my roadside assistance people to get a tow to the mechanic. I was able to see my patient later that evening and the car was at the mechanics. Thankful that I had the means to get the car towed and fixed I was able to praise God for the way things were going to work out.
The mechanic had my car until that next Thursday. I had to miss a week of work at my job but at least the car was fixed. I could always pick up a few extra hours to cover what I had missed at work. However I would soon find out that the car was not fixed. Over the next month or so I took the car back to this mechanic three more times. Once was by another tow truck. After putting around $800 into my car I was so frustrated that I had allowed anger to take over. You see even after putting all this money into my car and him having my car for around two weeks total it still isn’t fixed.
Already frustrated and worried about missing work and not having reliable transportation every thing that happened that wasn’t good just seemed to rock me to the core. Over that next month I got very sick. I never get sick but here I was at Immediate Care getting meds for my double ear infection, bronchitis, and sinusitis. Which meant more missed work. However my car was at the mechanics again during that time so I was already going to have to miss work sick or not.
Another thing that I have learned is that the enemy will continue to throw things at you until he finds the thing that will make you totally forget what God has called you to do. By the middle of the month I was so angry at everyone that I was just snapping left and right. Anything that was said I took the wrong way. It got to the point where I was tired of being around me. I didn’t want to be angry but I wasn’t sure how to get out of it. So I just kept praying that God would help me walk in love. I prayed continuously that no matter what happened that I would not allow it to put any type of barrier between me and God. It was time for me to dig in and hold on with everything that I had.
Do you think that things were smooth sailing from then on? Absolutely not!! I got hit by two more things before the end of the month. The enemy knows my past and he may know those things that I struggle with but he can only throw those temptations out there. He can’t make me give in to them. I had an incident at work where temptation was totally right there in my face. I could so give in and no one would have to know. I mean it was right there I hadn’t gone looking for it. It was just dropped in my lap. From somewhere inside of me that anger that I had towards everything and everyone else finally started to get directed in the right way. I needed to be directed my anger towards the enemy of my soul. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 The thief, my enemy, was trying to steal from me. He is the one who wants to kill and destroy me. Jesus wants to give me life!! He wants me to have a full life. All of this stuff was not coming from up above. God was not angry at me but apparently the enemy had reason to fear me.
Then came the biggest blow. Would this be the thing to rock my foundation? I was hit with some information about a very close family member that devastated me. This was going to change not only her future but it was going to effect mine too. While I was trying to process this news a friend of mine reminded me of the scripture Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
No matter what life may throw at us. No matter what trial or crisis you may be walking through God has a plan. He will work everything for your good. All we have to do is keep loving Him. Keep our eyes and focus on Him. I may have gotten distracted for a while but I am more focused now than ever before. I will continue to tell my story of redemption to other hurting people and the enemy can bring his best shot but I know the One who wins in the end!!
Has life gotten you distracted? Is the enemy trying to throw a deter in your way? Are you focused on the giver of great things or are you running around trying to fix all that is wrong? Where is your focus today? Stand on the promise in Romans 8:28!!! God is TOTALLY for you!!! No one and no situation can change that!!!

Freedom From Chains Part 3

That Sunday afternoon as I walked into the drug/alcohol treatment center I thought I knew exactly what was going to happen. I had seen enough shows on addiction to figure that I would be released after a couple of weeks of detox and therapy, would return to my job, and most likely eventually fall right back into the grips of addiction. However that treatment center didn’t even admit me!! WOW!! As we walked outside I was told, “You are going to treatment. We are going to Plan B. Go back to work and call this treatment center.”

Do you know that sometimes God already has everything worked out for our breakthrough? Do you know that He is involved in the details? Do you know that sometimes our Plan B is God’s Plan A?

With shaking fingers I dialed the number… A lady picked up the phone within two seconds I was sobbing, I lost all composure. Here I was talking to the CEO of the center and by God’s grace she understood everything I was babbling. I was to be down at the treatment center the following Monday for admission.

I drove myself down to Franklin, IN on the morning of September 20,2004 and spent the next 5 months in treatment. Remember when I said God is already working out your breakthrough? He knows exactly what we need to be set free!!

I want to share a few things that were vital for me to apply to my life in order for me to be able to walk in freedom. I know and believe that God has the ability to instantly set us free from anything that is not His plan for us yet I also know that sometimes He wants us to walk out our freedom. When we have to put some effort into something we tend to be more protective of it. It tends to mean more to us when we have to sacrifice and press in.

One of the very first things I was told by a staff member was, “using is no longer anc option.” I had to start telling myself over and over again that drug/alcohol were not a part of my life any more. I had to stop the thinking in the back of my mind that if this happens or that occurs then I can use. Constantly it was repeated over and over to me that it was not an option. Just like anything else that we are fighting we have to decide that no matter what happens it is not an option anymore. No longer can we run to fast food ordering two meals and scarfing them down to attempt to stuff our feelings. No longer is is acceptable to run to the casino anytime we feel that we need to get a quick fix. We have to firmly place a wall between us and whatever it is that is destroying us.

-This card has been where I can see it everyday since I got clean to remind me that I am taking a different route.

Ephesians 4:22 says You were told that your foolish desires will destroy you and that you must give up your old way of life with all its bad habits. Whatever you find yourself stuck in the end result will be your destruction unless YOU decide to walk away from it completely. I had to rid myself of anything that was related to my addiction. All of my drug paraphernalia and anything that was going to make drugging look good to me again had to be gone. Start with a deep house cleaning. Rid yourself of ANYTHING that has any tie to any foolish desires you have. That means even those razors that you have hidden in the back of your closet just in case. It evens means the adult magazines that you have tucked underneath your mattress. If you truly want to see a breakthrough that is your first step. Making a choice to never turn back to that which is destroying you and to rid yourself of any temptation.

I was told that I had to change my playgrounds and playmates. That meant that I could no longer go clubbing or hang out at the bars. I had to cut off all contact with people from my past. I had to change my environment completely. Instead of going back to the west side I stayed down in Franklin when I left treatment. I had to be radical. I developed relationships with people who weren’t using. People who had walked the path that I was taking. I hung out with people who were pulling me up with them instead of trying to pull me back into the muck.

You’re addicted to thrills? What an empty life! The pursuit of pleasure is never satisfied Proverbs 21:17 Isn’t that the truth no matter how happy we think something is going to make us. If only we get that great promotion with that amazing office then life will be perfect. If we could just win the lottery then life would be worth it. If only… Fill in the blank. What thrill are you chasing? Where are you finding your pleasure? Is it in things that never satisfy? What is God calling you to step away from? What needs to go out with the trash? Are there relationships that you need to sever? What is God speaking to your heart? If you listen He will speak to you about those things that are holding you back. Are you willing to lay them at His feet?