Are You Starving?

As I sat outside thinking about how amazing God is and just soaking in His love I noticed a cat sitting on this abandoned truck. I started to get up to walk towards it. My movement caused it to take notice of me. The closer I got to this cat the more apparent it became to me that I was not going to get to pet this cat. It was going to run in fear and that is exactly what it did. He jumped off the truck and sprinted as fast as he could into the cornfield. Little did I know that God was going to show me something through this scared cat.
As I stood on the outskirts of this cornfield meowing and trying to coax this cat from it's secure location in the corn I felt God say you were once this cat. I thought how exactly am I like this cat? But He was right I was just like this cat. You see he desperately wanted to be petted and loved. He was starving for some type of affection but there was such a great fear keeping him from receiving the love. You see I was standing at the edge of the cornfield calling to him so I could pet him and love on him. Yet each time he came near me the slightest movement would startle him back into the security of the corn. For about 15 minutes I waited patiently for this cat to become comfortable with me. I knelt down and just held my hand still allowing him to rub up on my hand. At the slightest touch back into the field he ran. Until finally he allowed me to pet him.
God was totally right I had been that cat. I was so starved for love and affection that I made attempts to let people into my safe area but it was a struggle. Many times I would try to allow people to love me because I so desperately wanted/needed that yet the fear of getting hurt kept me from fully opening myself to receive. I kept running back to the safety of the walls that I had built around me.
God was so faithful to patiently wait for me. He was standing outside the walls desiring to be let in. Just like I didn't want to harm this cat just wanted to give him some love that was what God wanted to do for me. He patiently waited with His arms stretched out for me to take a hold of them. Just like the cat had to open up and come to me I had to be the one to come out and be willing to let God love me.
Throughout my life there have been numerous people placed strategically by God in my life to give me that love I was seeking. They were there patiently waiting for me to let them in. I had to only open the door a little.
Have you been hurt in the past? Are you starving for love? Are you seeking for love in places where it's not at? Ask God to remove those barriers keeping you from fully experiencing His all encompassing love. He will do it. His desire is for us to be healed. Spend time with God allowing Him to show you what His love looks and feels like. He can break down any barriers in your heart.

Really?!? God can use this?!?!

Growing up I always questioned why I had to endure certain things. I remember being a little girl and laying in bed crying to God about those horrible injustices that I was having to endure. At nine years old I didn’t understand why God never swooped down from His throne in Heaven and recused me from all the horrible things that were surrounding me. I would cry and pray every night for Him to save me, to help me get out of the situation some how. Yet I never was rescued. I didn’t get some bright light filling my bedroom and transporting me to a new family with a loving home. Although that was the cry of my heart all throughout my childhood. I would sit and daydream about what it would be like to live in a family where there was love abounding. What would it be like to have a loving mom and dad who where there to protect me? How would it feel to be secure in my surroundings? Everyday I wondered these things and with every passing day I was certain that God had abandoned me. I must of deserved the abuse and neglect that I was suffering.
You see by 11 years old I was beat up and destroyed by the world around me. I didn’t know who my dad was and my mom was wrapped up in any guy that would give her attention. So for me and my siblings that meant lots of men in and out of our house. That meant having to fight off the advances of a step-dad who my mom was certain was the one she had been searching for all her life. Nothing was ever consistant in our house. There was no structure or boundaries. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional environment full of neglect, abuse, and destruction. I was certain that if God was really out there that He didn’t want anything to do with this horrible little girl.
At 20 years old I was burying my mom. The person in my life that I desperately wanted unconditional love and affection from. I had tried my entire life to become the daughter that I thought she wanted. How desperately I longed for her to just sit and hold me while I cried. All I wanted was to know that she loved me. That dream was shattered the day that she took her last breath in Methodist Hospital. Here I was addicted to alcohol, drugs, suicidal, entrenched in the darkness of self-injury burying the only hope that I clung to. What was there left to fight for?
I am so thankful looking back that I didn’t throw in the towel after mom passed. I am so glad that I kept fighting. Somewhere inside myself was this desire to survive. It wasn’t a pretty transformation. It has hurt deeply. There have been days that I have wanted to just stop. Days that I have been wore out from clawing my way out of yet another deep dark pit. But in the end I am eternally grateful today for my past. I wouldn’t trade all the pain and hurt for anything. Because you see along the way I learned that all of the junk that I have suffered through in my life God has used in other people’s lifes. At 9 years old I couldn’t see into the future and how the abuse that I suffered was going to be used to glorify God. I couldn’t see how any of the darkness in my life could have any good. How could the fact that I cut my skin with razors, knifes, or really anything sharp be something useful for the healing of anyone else. However today I can tell you that He has used EVERY horrible thing in my past for good.
It wasn’t until about 2 years ago that this became very evident to me. You see God brought this friend into my life and through the struggles she was going to face I was going to understand why I went through everything I did. I didn’t know that only a short few months after our paths crossed that she would be walking through the grief of losing her mom. I didn’t know that I was going to be able to give her support soley based on the fact that I had been in the exact same spot that she found herself. I knew the overwhelming pain. I knew what it felt like to have to plan your own mom’s funeral at a young age. I knew what is was like to let go of the dream of a relationship with a mom who wasn’t able to give us what we needed. I knew what it was like for your world to be spinning out of your control. I had walked this road. It was through this that my heart was reminded of the Scripture in Romans. That one that I had decided just wasn’t true years ago. The one where God promises to use ALL things for our good to those who love Him and are called to Him. He was showing me that even this promise is true.
In the past two years I can’t count the number of times that God has used a portion of my past, a part of my pain in someone else’s life. Just like I can’t count the number of times He has used the pain of another’s life to minister to me.
What is going on in your life right now? Do you have things in your history that you have allowed the enemy to lie to you about? Seek God, ask Him to send someone your way who needs to hear your story. He will cause there is one thing that I am certain of today: Nothing that I have experienced in my life, neither the great and wonderous or the painful and deading, will be wasted. He will use it to grow me and to grow others. I just have to be willing to be used.

A Morning Conversation with God

If you asked my best friend, Cecily, what my favorite color was she would tell you orange. She would be totally right. I love the color orange and all things orange related. I love oranges and peaches. I love to eat circus peanuts. I would say that really the only thing I don’t love that is orange is the Tennessee Vols. Not that I don’t love the color of their uniforms but I prefer to yell ROLL TIDE ROLL!!! I despise all starburst except for the orange ones. Orange ghetto juice is my preferred flavor. Even my bathroom is painted a peachy-orange color.
So it should be no suprise that my favorite season is fall. I love everything fall related-going to the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch, hay rides, and corn mazes. There is nothing better than pulling on my favorite pair of jeans with my most comfortable hoodie. I LOVE fall!!

                                                     (Taken on 37 in Martinsville, IN)

The other day while driving I couldn’t keep my eyes on the road as I just wanted to marvel at the changing of the leaves. There is nothing prettier to me than when the leaves become yellow, red, and orange as they prepare to fall from the trees. Leaving them bare to prepare for winter.

I started to wonder what those colors symbolized in the Bible. What were the spiritual meanings? Upon looking them up I found that….
Orange- Fire of God, deliverance, warrior, passionate praise
Gold or Yellow- Glory of God, divine nature, holiness, eternal deity, the Godhead, Purification, majesty, righteousness, divine light, kingliness, trial by fire, mercy, power, His Deity
Yellow and Gold speak of trial and purging.
There were a few words that really stood out to me: Fire of God, deliverance, purification, and purging. That was exactly what God was doing in my life. He was using the Fire of God to purify me.

Isaiah 1:25

I will turn my hand against you; I will thoroughly purge away your dross and remove all your impurities
DROSS:

waste matter; refuse

a waste product taken off molten metal during melting

The term “dross” is used to describe waste material which must be removed and processed separately or discarded in a safe place. It may also be dangerous, poisonous, or impure.

As metal is melted, it oxidizes, forming a layer of scum and impurities which float to the surface as the metal heats up. This dross can be skimmed from the metal so that the refined product will be more pure, ensuring a reliable performance when it is cast or worked.
He is allowing me to go through the fire so that the impurities that are inside of me can be removed. He is purging those things out of my life and attitude that are not of Him. He is purifying me so that I can walk in His ways. You see each of these words have a common theme and that is change.
That is what fall represents to me is change. God reminded me that just like the leaves had to fall from the trees to prepare for winter so that He can bring forth new healthy growth in the spring so must all the things that are keeping me from walking intimately with God must fall off of me so that I can bloom into that beautiful new creation.
As I meditated on this God gently whispered to me that those behaviors and beliefs that I have been holding on to are no longer needed in my life. They served a purpose for a time but that time has passed. Just like the leaves are needed in the summer they are not necessary in the winter. Those coping skills that protected me as a child are no longer needed in my life now that I am an adult. It is time for me to let them fall off of me.
When I was a child I used my weight to protect me from my step dad and his advances but today I don’t need that protection. It is time for me to lay that behavior at Jesus’ feet. I no longer need to use food as a protection. Just like I don’t need my anger to be a protective wall around me to keep people at bay. Those things among many others had once served a purpose for me however they no longer do.
Are you holding on to something that needs to fall from you? What is needed for this season that you are in? Are you allowing God to purify and refine you?

What's That Stench?

A few weeks ago I got a phone call from my 3-yr old nephew. He had something extremely important to tell me that could not wait until I got home. “Hello Kaiden,” I excitedly said to him as I picked up the phone. I heard his little voice so thrilled to tell me, “that the hallway smelled like a big fart.” LOL!! Yes talking about bodily functions is one of the joys of being the Aunt to a little boy. If I am quite honest though those are some of my most favorite conversations with him. I laughed to myself as I hung up the phone thinking about his innocence and his ability to just call it like it is.
When I got home that evening the minute I opened the door to our apartment building that overwhelming stench hit me. Kaiden was so right the hallway outside our apartment smelled like someone had some major bad gas. I quickly opened the apartment door relieved that the smell had not permeated our apartment. When I left for work that night it seemed to me that the smell had gotten more intense.
It seemed to just keep getting stronger as the hours passed. I tried to decipher where it was coming from. Whose apartment was the offensive odor coming from? I finally convinced myself that someone had to have died in their apartment and we were smelling the after effects of that. I smelled around the door frame of the neighbor across the hall. YEP!! That was were the smell was coming from. Immediately my imagination went on this wild ride of her being robbed, beaten, shot and left for dead. Seriously am I the only one whose mind goes off on these crazy stories. I convinced myself that she was decomposing and that was the smell. Because now it now longer smelled like a fart but instead like the stench of death.
Shortly after I had decided on this being the source of the smell maintenance came out and was knocking on all the doors. When I opened the door they asked, “Have you noticed an unusual odor?” I almost laughed in their faces. Could they really not smell it?!? After asking a few questions trying to figure out the source of the smell he said that they would have the carpets cleaned and perhaps that would take care of it.
I came home from work that next day(Yes we are on like day 3 of living with this smell) and the apartment building doors were opened and when I walked in the hallway smelled very intensely of Febreeze. At Least the horrible odor was gone I thought but laughed at the way it was handled.
Suddenly I heard that still small voice inside of me. You know who I am talking about, that voice that loves to use everything to teach you something. I very gently heard God speak directly to me that I had a stench in my life. I knew exactly what He was talking about. These were the exact words that I heard….
You know that behavior that you run to when your trying to stuff your feelings. That one that brings you nothing but pain and shame in the end. Until you find the true source of that behavior it will continue to be a stench in your life. Just like the smell in the hallway until the true source of the odor is eliminated that smell will continue to stay and grow stronger. Don’t you know my daughter that your self-seeking is a horrible smell in my nostrils. I desire to remove that stench from you but you have to allow me into those deep dark places of your past.
I have to tell you that I love when God speaks right to the behavior that is keeping me from Him. You see I have a secret behavior, a shameful sin that I have been running to since I was around 4 or 5 years old. Maybe earlier but I definitely remember this sin becoming a release for me at such a young age and I have carried it with me through all these years. It has been that one thing that I have secretly held on to and have ran to over and over again. For the past 2-3 years I have been working on breaking free from the chains of this behavior and have allowed people into this dark area of my life. I have started seeking God for healing in this area. I have opened myself up to being accountable to others in this area. For so many years this was my dirty little secret and now it’s starting to get out into the light. I am started to expose this dark area of my life to God’s healing light. I am allowing Him into those deep, deep wounds inside of me. Yet I was still not willing to go to that place where it all started. I was not willing to open up that area of my life to receive healing. But I know that until I do, until I let God and His healing salve into all of those wounded, infected, stinking areas then I will never find true complete freedom.
Since getting this revelation I have dug in deeper with God in the area. Please continue to lift me up in prayer as I allow Him into those places. I know that I have a ways to go but I also know that His desire is for me to experience complete freedom in Him. I am so grateful for His continued speaking into my life.
Is there an area in your life that is an offensive smell to God? Are you willing to let Him remove the source? Just talk to God! He will reveal anything you want to know.

God is totally for you!!

Have you ever gone through a time where all you could cling to was just one phrase or one scripture to get you through? Have you ever felt like pulling your hair out and screaming at everyone who walks by? Have you ever been so frustrated that you could cry at the drop of a hat?
I could so say yes to every one of those questions. For the past month I have been bombarded by so many things. I have literally felt like I was being torn in half. There were days were all I could do was just repeat the words above from Romans 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? I clung to those words like they were my lifeline because they were. I had to keep God’s promises always before me otherwise I would sit down and give up.
One of the things that I have learned over this past month is that the enemy will throw anything he can at you if he thinks it will distract you. If I am completely honest it worked with me for a while. I was so distracted by trying to fix everything that was going wrong that I took my eyes off of my Jesus. When I took my eyes off of Jesus then I allowed anger and hatred to become a part of my days. How exactly did that happen you may wonder. Well I am going to share with you some of the enemies tactics for distraction.
At the beginning of July on a Friday morning I stopped at a Marathon gas station on the way to work. After filling my tank I went to start my car and it would start but once I put it in drive it would die. I tried over and over again. Yet each time the car would start perfect but once I took my foot off the gas it died. Ok so not the way I want to start my morning but not a major crisis. I called my patient and work letting them know. I then called my roadside assistance people to get a tow to the mechanic. I was able to see my patient later that evening and the car was at the mechanics. Thankful that I had the means to get the car towed and fixed I was able to praise God for the way things were going to work out.
The mechanic had my car until that next Thursday. I had to miss a week of work at my job but at least the car was fixed. I could always pick up a few extra hours to cover what I had missed at work. However I would soon find out that the car was not fixed. Over the next month or so I took the car back to this mechanic three more times. Once was by another tow truck. After putting around $800 into my car I was so frustrated that I had allowed anger to take over. You see even after putting all this money into my car and him having my car for around two weeks total it still isn’t fixed.
Already frustrated and worried about missing work and not having reliable transportation every thing that happened that wasn’t good just seemed to rock me to the core. Over that next month I got very sick. I never get sick but here I was at Immediate Care getting meds for my double ear infection, bronchitis, and sinusitis. Which meant more missed work. However my car was at the mechanics again during that time so I was already going to have to miss work sick or not.
Another thing that I have learned is that the enemy will continue to throw things at you until he finds the thing that will make you totally forget what God has called you to do. By the middle of the month I was so angry at everyone that I was just snapping left and right. Anything that was said I took the wrong way. It got to the point where I was tired of being around me. I didn’t want to be angry but I wasn’t sure how to get out of it. So I just kept praying that God would help me walk in love. I prayed continuously that no matter what happened that I would not allow it to put any type of barrier between me and God. It was time for me to dig in and hold on with everything that I had.
Do you think that things were smooth sailing from then on? Absolutely not!! I got hit by two more things before the end of the month. The enemy knows my past and he may know those things that I struggle with but he can only throw those temptations out there. He can’t make me give in to them. I had an incident at work where temptation was totally right there in my face. I could so give in and no one would have to know. I mean it was right there I hadn’t gone looking for it. It was just dropped in my lap. From somewhere inside of me that anger that I had towards everything and everyone else finally started to get directed in the right way. I needed to be directed my anger towards the enemy of my soul. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 The thief, my enemy, was trying to steal from me. He is the one who wants to kill and destroy me. Jesus wants to give me life!! He wants me to have a full life. All of this stuff was not coming from up above. God was not angry at me but apparently the enemy had reason to fear me.
Then came the biggest blow. Would this be the thing to rock my foundation? I was hit with some information about a very close family member that devastated me. This was going to change not only her future but it was going to effect mine too. While I was trying to process this news a friend of mine reminded me of the scripture Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
No matter what life may throw at us. No matter what trial or crisis you may be walking through God has a plan. He will work everything for your good. All we have to do is keep loving Him. Keep our eyes and focus on Him. I may have gotten distracted for a while but I am more focused now than ever before. I will continue to tell my story of redemption to other hurting people and the enemy can bring his best shot but I know the One who wins in the end!!
Has life gotten you distracted? Is the enemy trying to throw a deter in your way? Are you focused on the giver of great things or are you running around trying to fix all that is wrong? Where is your focus today? Stand on the promise in Romans 8:28!!! God is TOTALLY for you!!! No one and no situation can change that!!!

Freedom From Chains Part 3

That Sunday afternoon as I walked into the drug/alcohol treatment center I thought I knew exactly what was going to happen. I had seen enough shows on addiction to figure that I would be released after a couple of weeks of detox and therapy, would return to my job, and most likely eventually fall right back into the grips of addiction. However that treatment center didn’t even admit me!! WOW!! As we walked outside I was told, “You are going to treatment. We are going to Plan B. Go back to work and call this treatment center.”

Do you know that sometimes God already has everything worked out for our breakthrough? Do you know that He is involved in the details? Do you know that sometimes our Plan B is God’s Plan A?

With shaking fingers I dialed the number… A lady picked up the phone within two seconds I was sobbing, I lost all composure. Here I was talking to the CEO of the center and by God’s grace she understood everything I was babbling. I was to be down at the treatment center the following Monday for admission.

I drove myself down to Franklin, IN on the morning of September 20,2004 and spent the next 5 months in treatment. Remember when I said God is already working out your breakthrough? He knows exactly what we need to be set free!!

I want to share a few things that were vital for me to apply to my life in order for me to be able to walk in freedom. I know and believe that God has the ability to instantly set us free from anything that is not His plan for us yet I also know that sometimes He wants us to walk out our freedom. When we have to put some effort into something we tend to be more protective of it. It tends to mean more to us when we have to sacrifice and press in.

One of the very first things I was told by a staff member was, “using is no longer anc option.” I had to start telling myself over and over again that drug/alcohol were not a part of my life any more. I had to stop the thinking in the back of my mind that if this happens or that occurs then I can use. Constantly it was repeated over and over to me that it was not an option. Just like anything else that we are fighting we have to decide that no matter what happens it is not an option anymore. No longer can we run to fast food ordering two meals and scarfing them down to attempt to stuff our feelings. No longer is is acceptable to run to the casino anytime we feel that we need to get a quick fix. We have to firmly place a wall between us and whatever it is that is destroying us.

-This card has been where I can see it everyday since I got clean to remind me that I am taking a different route.

Ephesians 4:22 says You were told that your foolish desires will destroy you and that you must give up your old way of life with all its bad habits. Whatever you find yourself stuck in the end result will be your destruction unless YOU decide to walk away from it completely. I had to rid myself of anything that was related to my addiction. All of my drug paraphernalia and anything that was going to make drugging look good to me again had to be gone. Start with a deep house cleaning. Rid yourself of ANYTHING that has any tie to any foolish desires you have. That means even those razors that you have hidden in the back of your closet just in case. It evens means the adult magazines that you have tucked underneath your mattress. If you truly want to see a breakthrough that is your first step. Making a choice to never turn back to that which is destroying you and to rid yourself of any temptation.

I was told that I had to change my playgrounds and playmates. That meant that I could no longer go clubbing or hang out at the bars. I had to cut off all contact with people from my past. I had to change my environment completely. Instead of going back to the west side I stayed down in Franklin when I left treatment. I had to be radical. I developed relationships with people who weren’t using. People who had walked the path that I was taking. I hung out with people who were pulling me up with them instead of trying to pull me back into the muck.

You’re addicted to thrills? What an empty life! The pursuit of pleasure is never satisfied Proverbs 21:17 Isn’t that the truth no matter how happy we think something is going to make us. If only we get that great promotion with that amazing office then life will be perfect. If we could just win the lottery then life would be worth it. If only… Fill in the blank. What thrill are you chasing? Where are you finding your pleasure? Is it in things that never satisfy? What is God calling you to step away from? What needs to go out with the trash? Are there relationships that you need to sever? What is God speaking to your heart? If you listen He will speak to you about those things that are holding you back. Are you willing to lay them at His feet?

Freedom From Chains Part 2

Last week I shared my downward spiral into addiction. The depths that my addiction took me to was very dark and twisted. However I was given freedom from this despair. This week I want to share the story of how Jesus picked me up out of the hole that I had dug and set my feet on solid ground.
Most of my working career I had found employment in the retail area. During those 7 years that I spent in retail I was blessed with a manager that literally helped change my life. This manager had something that I wanted. Of course at the time I didn’t know what it was about her but I was drawn to her. It was like I just had to open up to her. I had to get to know her. However I knew that I would be risking my job and my supply of dope if I told her the truth. So I started out telling her half truths. Testing the waters to see if I could figure out what it was about her that called to me. Over a period of time it became very clear to me that it was the love of Jesus that was oozing out of her. Yet was it a genuine love or was it just a show? I was determined to find out if she was for real.
Now if you know anything about crystal meth you know that one of the side effects is diarrhea of the mouth. Literally I would talk your head off and then go home and write you a 50 page letter explaining everything I had just shared. No matter how many times I told myself to shut up I just couldn’t keep my mouth closed. One day I went to lunch with this manager. Even though I was so high that there was no way I could even take a single bite of food. I still don’t remember this conversation but I spilled that I was high. Oh yes I told my store manager that I was using illegal drugs and that I was high at work. I had just put myself in a very dangerous position. I knew for certain that I was going to be fired after realizing that she knew about my “secret” life.
However I would quickly find out that God had his hand in our relationship and He was organizing events to fall into place so I could be set free. At this point of my addiction I wanted out I just didn’t have the strength to fight. One of the things that still blows my mind is just the way everything fell into place. Remember when I said that I would spend time watching Christian TV while getting high. Well one of my favorite preachers to watch was Pastor Jim Devney who at the time was pastoring a church in the Center Grove area. Guess where this manager went to church!!! YES!! She was a member of this church that I had spent so many hours watching on TV.
Soon I was going to church with her every once in a while. She was praying for me. She was listening to me when I cried. Most of all she was just loving me. I so desperately needed just a deep overhaul of my life. And I was about to get it even though I didn’t know it at the time.
Even back before I had reached my end with the drugs/alcohol God was planning an out for me. He was providing the way of escape. In 2000 when my mom passed away God brought a women into my life who over the years has shown me the love of a mother. She has loved me unconditionally even when I hated myself. She has spent many hours on the phone with me listening to me cry and rant. She has many wiped tears from my cheeks. She has prayed for me and with me. Investing herself into my life, speaking words of life and healing over me.
During one of our conversations we had when I was using she said something that got my attention. When the words, ”Holly I am going to start praying you get arrested” came out of her mouth I shook. I know that when she prays God hears her and the atmosphere is changed. I knew that she was serious. I knew that she wasn’t going to sit back and just let me kill myself. I had to give up and stop fighting. I had to lay the pipe down.
One Sunday I was going to church with my manager(who is now like a mom to me also and a very good friend). Somewhere inside of me I knew that this was the day. I don’t know how but I just knew that my life was going to change. I spent the little bit of money that I had on a bag of meth. I stayed up all night smoking it. By morning I was flying high. While getting dressed that morning I dropped the pipe in the bathroom sink. It shattered. Desperate to get every little bit of dope I picked up the shards of glass and sucked them clean before throwing them away. I finished getting dressed, sticking my baggie in my pocket for later, I headed to meet her.
This Sunday she was at church alone. Which I know today was totally planned by my Daddy. I don’t remember what the sermon was on I just remember being down at the altar and crying. No more like sobbing uncontrollably and telling her that I needed to go to treatment. We left the church and drove to Fazoli’s for lunch. Neither of us really knowing what the next step was. There was an addictions center on the Southside that we decided to go to. I went to the bathroom and emptied what I had left in the baggie down the toilet. I was so shaking in fear when I got into her car. What would life be like without my friend? Could I survive without it? Was I going to lose my mind? What would the withdrawals look like?
Maybe your chains aren’t drugs or alcohol. Perhaps your chained to the 15 different credit cards that are maxed out in your wallet. You know that sweater was just too cute to pass up and it was 50% off but very quickly it spiraled into a mess of debt. Maybe it’s the thrill of the gamble. A couple of scratch off tickets here, a trip to the gambling boat here. You will only use the $100 in your pocket but once that is gone you return to the ATM over and over again until you walk out with that fear of how are you going to survive until payday. How about a number on a scale? Are you chained to trying to achieve that perfect body? If only you don’t eat soon you will reach 110 lbs. But even when you reach that you are not satisfied. Maybe 100 lbs is the perfect number? If you reach that maybe you will be like the models you see. Maybe it’s the razor blade that you keep in your purse. You know that one that you pull out when things seems overwhelming. You will only make a little cut, nothing too deep. Yet once again you go too deep and need stitches.
It could be that your chain isn’t a behavior at all but an attitude. Has anger taken over you? Do you lash out at people? Maybe it’s shame? How about unforgiveness? Whatever it is that has you bound there is freedom from it!!! God will provide the opportunity for you to be set free!! The question is will you take it?

Freedom From Chains Part 1

This week Americans celebrated freedom. We took time to reflect on the independence we gained from the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. We celebrated with fireworks, spending time with friends and family, barbecues, carnivals, parades, and praying for our nation. I spent a lot of time reflecting on another freedom. A freedom that is found in Christ Jesus. Freedom from bondage that kept me bound for many years. For so much of my life there were things that kept me in chains. Behaviors that I participated in that kept me from being who I was called to be. I just want to take the time today to share on one of those things. When I was 11 I started seeking things to take away the pain that I was feeling. I was looking for anything that would numb my emotions. Something that could relieve the destruction that I was feeling on the inside of me. During that year I found an outlet for every negative feeling I was having. I found that when I drank alcohol I didn’t care about anything that was going on around me. It started out innocently just a drink here or there. Like so many I always thought I would have control over it. Yet there came a day when I found myself bound by alcohol and drugs. You see my one beer every once in a while had over the years turned into a hideous monster that I couldn’t wiggle myself away from. Just like so many other sins in my life with every passing day it grew. At the beginning I could take a few sips and step away from it. I didn’t think about drinking all the time. It didn’t consume my every waking moment. As my tolerance for the alcohol increased so did my desire for more. Soon I was drinking large quantities everyday. I was behaving in ways that I would not have sober. I started to drink not to feel better but my goal became to drink as much as quickly as I could so that I could pass out. It became my goal every time I drank to blackout. However with that came some pretty negative consequences. I did not like the hangovers. I was not a fan of the morning headaches or the dried vomit left in my hair or on my clothes. Once again I set out to find something that would be a great escape. That’s when the drugs came in to play. Just like the drinking it started out with just a little weed. Which when I mixed it with the alcohol it became like the perfect match. I didn’t need to drink as much to produce the same effect I wanted when I smoked a joint or two while drinking my whiskey. That was just the start of another dive into a dark place in my life. As it did with just the alcohol my tolerance levels increased and I needed a better high. As the years went on my drug use spiraled out of control. I was drinking less and less just higher proof alcohol. I refused to let anything less than 100 proof or higher pass through my lips. I wasn’t smoking weed anymore either. I had moved on from that. Hitting every possible drug on my way down I finally found what I thought was going to finally be the thing that would take away every ounce of hurt, every bit of shame, and erase every horrible memory. My new love was ice, crank, speed, chicken feed. Crystal meth had come to my rescue. I was able to stay up for days at a time. I was losing weight because I wasn’t eating. My productivity at worked had increased. I finally felt happy. Housework didn’t bother me when I was high. I was able to do all things. Well at least for a few years. Four years after taking my first hit of crank it had taken me to depths that I never wanted to go. I had lost the battle with meth. My life was a mess. The landlord was getting ready to evict me from my apartment. The electricity had long been shut off. I sold my 2000 Dodge Neon for $75 so that I could get more dope. I spent my time around people I didn’t know in places I had no clue where we were. My not sleeping for a few days had turned into me staying up for a week or longer at a time. I started hearing things that weren’t there, seeing things that didn’t exist. The excitement and fun had long wore off.The absolute crazy thing is that at some point I woke up to the fact that this was not what I wanted my life to be like. I did not want to go down this path any farther. I knew in my heart that this was not what I was made for. I made attempts to get clean. I tried to get back onto a straight path. Yet I found that I couldn’t. I was bound. I was chained to this drug. I was caught up in something that I couldn’t get out of. I opened up to women that I trusted about what was going on with me. I spent time praying about the lifestyle I was in. I cried out to God. I would actually sit in front of the tv watching Christian television with my Bible open in front of me and a bag of dope beside me with a pipe and lighter in my hands. I was so desperate to get free yet it scared me too. As horrible as my life was I was at some level comfortable with it. I didn’t want to be comfortable with it. I wanted to be free but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what freedom looked like. A short time later I would find out. I would come to know Jesus as my deliverer. The chains of addiction would fall from me…… Continued next week ;)

Where do you hide?

I could hear those words echoing into the depths of my soul. Those words filled with hatred and rage. They were closing in on me. “You’re worthless! Why can’t you do anything right? What is wrong with you child? You’re tearing this family apart!!” The tears were threatening to spill over onto my cheeks. Desperately trying to keep from exposing my weakness to her I fought back the tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. Just push it down, don’t let them see you hurt I kept telling myself over and over. Yet the screaming continued as the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out of there… I was suffocating.My feet started to move underneath me I grabbed for the backdoor. As I swung open the screen door I couldn’t hold back the hurt any longer. The tears started to stream down my face. I quickly gave my head a shake trying to erase the wetness from my face. I ran across the yard finally reaching my destination. I didn’t know if she was still yelling and at this point it didn’t matter. I knew what I had to do.I reached up and grabbed the rough tree limb above me. With my hands firmly grasping the steady branch I swung my legs up catching my right foot on the branch above. I could feel my body start to relax. I pulled my left foot up to where my right one was, kicking my feet over the branch. Now I was kind of hanging upside down. I had the higher branch resting behind the bend of my knees with my hands still hanging on the branch below. I started pulling myself up until I was sitting on the branch that my legs were on. Taking a few slow deep breaths I forced my body to calm before I continued ascending to my hideaway. What comes to your mind when you hear the word refuge? Do you automatically get a picture in your head of what that looks like? Is it a beach with the waves softly hitting the shore as the sun beats down on you? Is it a room full of books with a comfortable couch and a glass of tea? Is it just the bathroom (without the kids banging on the door) where you can shut the world out for a few minutes? For me when I think of refuge one of the first things that comes to my mind is that tree in my grandparents’ backyard (Shown in picture). Growing up this tree became my safe place, my shelter, my calm from the storm. It shielded me in the summer with its leaves from those who had hurt me. It became a place of protection for me. In 2001 I found myself living in a ministry program trying to find healing after losing my mom. One of the requirements for this program was that I had to memorize scripture. I can’t tell you any of the ones that we did besides Psalm 91. For the first time I heard about God’s protection, maybe He was there with me? All those years that I had ran to that tree for protection yet it was God who was truly holding me in His hand.

Psalm 91

You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow, Say this: “God, you’re my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe!” That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you— under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, not flying arrows in the day, Not disease that prowls through the darkness, not disaster that erupts at high noon. Even though others succumb all around, drop like flies right and left, no harm will even graze you. You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, watch the wicked turn into corpses. Yes, because God’s your refuge, the High God your very own home, Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door. He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go. If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling. You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, and kick young lions and serpents from the path. “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, ”I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party. I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!” The Message

Today I still spend time climbing trees. This time though Jesus is climbing with me holding my hand as we go up. During my prayer times I have developed a secret place where I go to meet Jesus. A place that is safe from all of my enemies. It’s a place where I can cry freely without any fear. It’s a place of safety and rest. It’s a place where I can connect with my Savior. A place where I feel those warm feelings like I use to as a child sitting in that tree in the backyard. Today I spend time just laughing and running with Jesus. Today that is where my true refuge is. Are you spending time in the refuge of Jesus’ arms? Do you have a secret place where you can get away with just Him? Do you have a place where you can just let loose and allow that child in you to play? If not spend some time developing such a place. It can be whatever you want it to be. Sometimes my secret place has a river running through it but sometimes it doesn’t. The point isn’t to box yourself into a concrete place but instead to just get alone with your Savior. Ask Jesus to come check it out. Invite Him to spend time with you there. I have learned that He loves playing with His children. Many times He just swings me around and around until we fall to the ground laughing. Allow Him to show you some new games. Just let Him love on you in that secret place.

Are you using your weapons?

So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. Ephesians 6:11 Message

If you’re anything like me God has to teach you stuff sometimes over and over again before it sinks in completely. For me a lot of times God uses my 3-year old nephew to remind me of lessons that He has taught me. A few days ago was one of those times…Kaiden and I were outside where he was playing and I was just enjoying watching the wonder and excitement that was in his precious eyes. One of his favorite games to play is Samari. Which for a 3-yr old just means that he takes his foam sword and beats anything within reach of it. Quite amusing on most days as long as I don’t take a blow to the head. On this particular day Kaiden set his eyes on the brick wall to use the sword to beat down. As he took his sword back and prepared to hit that wall with everything in him he screamed out, “Get out of my life!!! I don’t want this in my life!!” And with those words he swung full force into the brick wall causing a loud smack to echo into the atmosphere. As he was trying to destroy this brick wall that was according to him in his life uninvited anymore I felt God whisper to me You know I have given you a sword. I quickly dismissed that thought with little acknowledgement. I know that I have been given a sword to use in my battles yet I knew inside of me that I wasn’t using that gift that God gave me. I knew that I was allowing things to become brick walls in my life that I needed to destroy. For the next ten minutes Kaiden continued to attempt to knock down the brick wall with his Nerf foam sword while God continued to speak to my spirit. I have called you to tear down those walls that are in your life my child. I have given you a sword not made of foam but a sword made of MY Word. I have given you everything you need to knock those things down that are keeping you from me. I have the power to destroy EVERYTHING that is keeping you from being intimately close to me. Won’t you pick your weapon back up? Last April I went on a retreat where God really opened up to me the power that I have when I use His Word against those things that are destroying my life. He showed me that it was time to pick up my sword and go into battle. I came home from that retreat having taken authority of areas of my life that I needed victory in. Areas that I have struggled with from the time I was a little girl. I always come home from those retreats renewed and refreshed and energized. Yet as the days pass and turn into months I tend to lose the fight that I had those first few weeks home. Life gets busy, work starts to consume my life, start spending more and more time relaxing and not being proactive. Before I know it I have placed the truth that God has called me to be a warrior in my life on the back burner. And then once my defenses are down in comes the enemy for an attack. Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [[a]in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour. 1 Peter 5:8 Amplified Just like scripture states my enemy is just waiting for that day when I set the sword down, that day when I start to grow weary of the fight. He is waiting for that day when I start to allow even a small opening where he might have an opportunity to hit me with one of his fiery darts. I have to admit that I had set down my sword in this battle against this area of my life that is blocking me from a completely free and intimate relationship with my Daddy who loves me. I had allowed the enemy to come in and start whispering to me those lies that he has been telling me from back as far as I can remember. Lies such as- This is just who you are, you’re never going to be free from this, come on just one look, no one will know, God made you this way, Your God is keeping you from any fun, and the list goes on and on. Until eventually I start to believe those lies again and I start to act out on them. One thing that the enemy doesn’t highlight when he is whispering in my ear is the truth. The truth that everytime I act out in this area I feel tremendous guilt and shame. The truth that I have been called to greater things. The truth that I am not that word. The truth is that I am a Princess. The truth is that I have been given power to trample the enemy under my feet. The truth is that there is power in God’s Word to break ANYTHING that is keeping me bound. The truth that my Daddy wants to know me. The truth that God knit me in my mom’s womb. The truth that He loves me enough to not leave me in bondage. Are you carrying the sword? Are there areas in your life where you have allowed the enemy to have a foothold? Are you believing the lies of the enemy? Have you built walls that are keeping your Daddy at a distance? If so pick up that sword which is the Word of God and start destroying the works of the enemy. Seek out Scriptures to combat every lie that the enemy is throwing at you. Pray and ask God to reveal to you those lies that you are believing. Spend time with Him ask Him to show you how He sees you. Start walking in freedom!!!